outside of this car, the end of the world//weekend knuckle tattoos pt. 3

on friday i was on a crowded bus headed home. i had the joy of being sandwiched next to a bunch of buddies from a downtown law firm, and the double joy of sitting next to a very loud talker who had nothing interesting to say. he rehashed his nights at the bar, hangovers and naps to a woman next to him. suddenly, i knew what this weekend’s knuckle tattoo would be!

i drew it right then & there, on the bus, and then sat quietly with my fists in my lap, very visible. the people all around me got kinda quiet and stared at me. i don’t care, i really don’t. i am so fucking tired of listening to people talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing. it was a great fake knuckle tattoo, and a great weekend too. that picture is of me, kelsey & ray fooling around with the imac at oh yeah! (which is an ice cream shop). i have a scarf over my face because i’m tired of looking like a frumpy man in every picture taken of me. after, we read lesbian erotica aloud, bemoaning the fact that every single story featured a blouse being sexily unbuttoned.
the next day featured a top secret spy mission i can’t really talk about on the internet just yet (but which i just, two minutes ago, got some VERY good news about!), and the day after that ray & i searched for highland park (the park, not the neighborhood) and failed to find it, but we wound up in this weird abandoned valley near the zoo. it was surrounded on all sides by houses, including one with a man blasting polish music and tanning. but where we were was half empty-space bulldozed trees and half thick forest & it was one of those spaces where the normal world feels so far away, when you feel like you’re the only people left in the whole entire world. and that was that. please talk less, listen more, be sincere and enjoy this nice weather.

& i’ve written pages upon pages just to rid you from my bones

here is what i’ve been doing lately: long slow walks at lunch around the weird neighborhood in which i work. it’s high up on a hilltop, too steep for bikes, full of rotting victorian mansions and one of the best views of the city. i wander slowly through the streets, trying to find a place to sit and read my book without looking creepy or like a target. i was so happy the other day when i found an abandoned concrete staircase that allowed me to remain hidden from the main road yet see everything around me. the staircase went down a steep hill that was covered with garbage, weeds and shit, but my little concrete slab was perfect, a little rust-spotted maybe, but i sat there for a long time and it made me happy, sitting in the sunshine for an hour so i can remind myself that there are other things in the world besides my depressing-ass job.
lately i’ve been reading on the lower frequencies: a secret history of the city by erick lyle and it’s a really inspiring read, especially sitting amidst these gorgeous urban ruins. it’s made me nostalgize being young and in a grittier city, made me wonder how i got to this strange settled-down place i am in now. if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. i’m not really sure, but i recommend that you read it (and if you’re in pittsburgh, i recommend borrowing it from me because the library doesn’t have it)

just an announcement

that i have seen my first shirtless man of the “summer”. it’s march 16, 59 degrees out. as is usually the case around here, he was a flabby white middle-aged man. i saw him dragging a few bags of groceries up the stairs to his house as the bus whizzed by!

my heart floats in the bay

hello everyone. i’m at the library, treating book-loving pittsburghers to a fine view of my buttcrack in a pair of ill-fitting-yet-comfy pants. it’s sunday. in 24 hours i’ll be back at work but for now i’m free, free, free as a bird. my life partner is somewhere in the depths reading harry potter & i’m just killing time until he’s done.
the knuckle tattoo for the weekend originally said “HOME WARD” because we were looking at a house for the second time & both had high hopes that it was gonna be our home. it’s not though–the roof is leaky & there’s no insulation & the strange 2-story shed in the backyard, which i’d hoped would be turned into a writing shed (just like jenny had on the L word!) seriously has the worst energy ever, feels like a site of a suicide or maybe even a murder, and is quite possibly lousy with termites. so, oh well, no home this time. i changed it to “HOME ALONE” in honor of the excellent 90′s movie.
i have a few things that i want to say but my blood sugar is awfully low & there’s no more cookies in the coffee shop here. damn! damn! damnit. perhaps i will wander the streets of oakland in search of some sugar; or maybe i will just wait.

weekend knuckle tattoos, pt. 1

so yesterday i was sitting at my desk at work, not much to do, and my mind wandered to knuckle tattoos. every so often i get strangely obsessed with getting a set, although i know i’ll never do it because i have a hard enough time finding gainful employment as it is, and i don’t want to make things harder for myself.
anyway. i had a brief fantasy of myself as a tough hot butch top, living somewhere like the bay area, with knuckle tattoos that say “FIST FUCK”. it made me smile, even though i’m a faggoty bisexual bottom and san francisco is far too expensive & pretentious (not to mention passe!) for me.
anyway, i decided that from now on, on friday night i will write something on my knuckles that i could never get away with in my monday-friday life. i was gonna write it on my knuckles last night, but ray and i were meeting with our realtor this morning (yeah, you heard me right) and he convinced me that it would perhaps not make the best impression upon her. so last night i just wrote “FIST” on my right fist, labeling it i suppose, and then immediately after we’d gotten home from looking at a house (cute, but too small & the counters were stupid) i went upstairs and wrote “FUCK” on my left hand and took these two pictures.

i couldn’t figure out which one i liked better, so i put them both up. the one with no glasses is better-composed & more attractive but doesn’t really look like me.
anyway, i don’t think a single human being on the planet has noticed these yet, but it’s okay. i like looking down at them.

in case anyone’s wondering what i’ve been doing lately, here is a short list:
-riding the bus (2+ hours a day! yesterday i literally made EIGHT different bus trips)
-getting pre-approved for $80,000 worth of mortgage, even though i only made $15,000 last year
-trying (and failing) to not get bitter over the class differences in my current relationship
-reading a lot
-attempting to get my co-workers to like me (with mixed success)
-listening to tori amos like i’m 17 again. all i need is a pack of marlboro menthol lights & an embarrassing dog collar around my neck & i’ll be partying like it’s 1999 again.
-not writing or calling anyone
-thinking about gender variance & how there is almost no public sphere in the world where i really feel safe or attractive
-reading “just kids” by patti smith, which is an excellent book that i’d recommend to just about anyone
-turning over ideas for a new zine in my head.
-enjoying the sunshine, sorta.