last winter, amanda & i vowed not to hibernate & not to have a bad winter. we had the best winter ever. of course, i was swept up in the intoxication of a new love, which helped a lot.
what will this winter bring? i’m pretty nervous about 2010. even-numbered years tend to be bad. & 2009 was super-great, for the most part, which makes me think that i’m just gonna be punished again. there was this woman who won’t talk to me now but who taught me so much, and one thing she said to me, perched on the lid of the toilet in my old apartment in brooklyn, was: “not all happiness is punishable. you have to remember that.” & oh, i am trying. but i’m scared. because i know better.
i got some good zines in the mail over these past few days & i’m almost done with my latest zine. yay! it’s a split with a friend of mine in prison. i know what yinz are thinking — “prisoner zines suck”, “who is this weirdo?” etc, etc. but it actually came out really good, i think. and i’m excited to unleash it on the world. this dude and i used to be really tight. i’m significantly less enthused about him than i used to be. it’s okay, though, because we made a good zine & that’s enough.
yesterday i had a strange and beautiful experience. i was angrily stomping around butler street on my lunch break when i saw a flyer saying that bitch (of bitch and animal fame) was playing at a coffee shop in the hood that night. i don’t normally listen to her music, but i had a feeling that it would be an interesting thing to see live, and i was right. i was thinking about people playing music in the same room as you, how that’s such a gift, and how it’s easy to overlook what a privilege that is, what a rare special thing.
so i went home & made curried lentils & wrestled with my computer (not literally) & then went back out for the show. i laid on the floor, in a lushly carpeted & pillowed show-space, surrounded by lesbians (half of whom i know–this is pittsburgh, after all). one thing that i hadn’t expected (but i think i knew subconsciously, which i think is why i felt compelled to go so strongly) is that bitch moves like axi, and makes the same face when she sings.
have you ever known anyone who died? i think it’s not an uncommon experience to remember your dead loved one as a series of still pictures; not an animate human anymore. i think it’s not uncommon to forget their voice, forget how they moved, forget what their presence was like. partially because remembering hurts too much and partially because there’s just nothing left to remind you. and so here i was, sitting twenty feet from this woman who looks and moves so much like this other woman; something i thought i would never see again. and here it is, right in front of me.
in the between-song banter, bitch was talking about how she found a scary lump in her breast and spent a whole month totally freaking out, convinced that she was going to die, and how she made a promise to herself that if she was okay that she was going to live really fiercely, that she was going to love really hard and dance really fast and have really hot sex and do something that made a difference in her life and the lives of others. i had a very similar experience last year with a scary lump in my neck & a very similar realization stemming from it. and so after the show i went up to her & said that i’d had the same experience, and how it lit a fire under my ass. i said, “after i found out i was okay, i wrote a book, because i realized i didn’t have any more time to waste. and you need to let the lump be a gift.” her eyes got really wide, like she really needed to hear it. “what is your book about?!?!!” she yelled, but then she got pulled away by someone else.
so i wrote my email address on her mailing list, and then drew a bunch of arrows pointing to the other side of the page, and wrote “p.s. my lump-inspired book is about kale and compost piles and group-house love and the families we make when our own throw us away…” [which is not really an accurate description, but it's what i could think of at that moment. i get flustered trying to explain my book.] i was chatting with this lady i know and then bitch came back and said, “wait! so what’s it about?” and i showed her what i wrote and she yelled, “I LOVE YOU!” and gave me a big hug, and the whole thing was so exactly what axi would have done. it was fucking eerie, and so unexpected, and so so beautiful. i didn’t cry; i went to the lesbo bar with some acquaintances of mine & then rode my bike home super fast, feeling triumphant and safe and loved.
Filed under: brilliant moments, gayz, new york, nostalgia, pittsburgh, wingnuts
i’ve been super-homesick for ny lately. i still have no desire to live there. it’s like a line i read from a sherman alexie story: “looking through photo albums she got that look on her face and i knew she missed my father. not enough to want him back. she missed him just enough for it to hurt.” enough that i get irrationally angry & jealous when other people get to go there. i miss strange, little things, like riding the subway all the way from brooklyn to astoria with kastoory and buying fruit at a vegetable stand in queens with her mom. like weird guys at health food stores telling me that everything in the universe has the same basic pattern, and that both mushrooms & stars look the same inside. like going to events surrounded by beautiful queers, with people onstage screaming the truth & everyone absolutely, full-force getting it. that’s not an easy thing to turn yr back on.
in other news, super bowl sunday was strangely fun. i went to the blue moon, which is a ridics gay bar in my hood. here is a picture of most of my friends freaking out because the steelers were doing something, and me & eric semi-trying to care:
the best part was, after we won & everyone was on the street freaking out, this drag queen named candy decided to celebrate by dancing naked in the middle of the street, which was amazing:
(both of these pics were stolen from branden. thanks branden!)
while we were walking back to tiffini’s house, she pointed out that one street corner was full of white people freaking out, and the opposite corner was full of black people freaking out. and that made me not want to be here anymore.
anyway. lately i’ve been looking at old lists that i’ve written. i love lists. mainly just things that i love and hate. #1 on my things i hate list from 2002, when i was twenty, is “being female”, which is kinda surprising now. #1 on my things i like list from 1997, when i was fifteen, is “beavis & butthead”. why am i telling this embarrassing fact to the internet? i don’t know. i think i am overdue on making another one, and i think that it’s important to periodically reflect on how, even when things change so much, they still remain largely the same. a thought both comforting & horrifying. it
Filed under: nostalgia
Dec. 24th, 2008 06:19 pm 2008 in review!
What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
–written a book! (well, most of one, anyway) -stayed in an apartment till the end of a lease
-signed a new lease all by myself
-quit drinking
-allowed myself to become a vital part of an activist group, instead of relegating myself to shitwork like i always do because i’m afraid i’ll fuck something up
-became a karaoke superstar! (i say that semi-sarcastically)
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don’t make new year’s resolutions!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
liz popped out little hattie on dec. 2! and i cannot wait to meet her.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
not as of this moment.
5. What countries did you visit?
none, as per usual.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
a new tattoo, fewer health scares, maybe some more disposable income would be swell.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the day i found out i wasn’t dying, that one really fun day in february where i ran into literally everyone i like in this city and really felt the love, the day pino & i took pictures at giant eagle & i got on the news, the day monica, sena & i took a “vacation” at tiffini’s house, pride and all the hilarious hijinx, the really good weekend my dad & my sister visited me, the really good weekend that ray first visited me, the first snowfall & snow angels & kale soup. a whole lot of little moments. also, some bad shit that i won’t dredge up here.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving. writing 120 pages of a book plus three zines! making a lot of really good friends & having a lot of fun, despite the bullshit.
9. What was your biggest failure?
i completely ruined the friendship i had with the former love of my life. also, i lost my wallet (although it turned up a month later–in the fucking refrigerator!)
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
my heart condition. plus i got really bad tendonitis while i was a dishwasher (which, thankfully, has gone away for the most part.) also, i whacked my hand into a side-view mirror the other day and my fingers swelled up so big! they’re better now though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
um…i don’t really buy much. some cute patches, good thriftstore clothes, bus tickets to new york city & baltimore.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
all of my pittsburgh friends have been so sweet, especially when i was going through that rough time this winter. the faggotz have given me lots of good life coaching & laughs; ali helps keep the riot grrrl torch burning and gets me in a very specific way, alyssa has always been down for mystical adventures, amanda restores my faith in humanity on a regular basis, the craft night girls feel like home. my friends in prison have taught me a lot this year. my friends in new york occupy the most prime real estate in my heart, even though i haven’t seen them very much this year. emily, lucy, steve, jill and ray all visted me which was super fun. ray has been a sweetheart in every sense of the word.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
now would be a good time to employ my favorite destiny’s child quote: “no, i’m not gonna diss you on the internet, cuz my mama taught me better than that.”
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, billz, student loans, my extremely expensive heart monitor. so fun!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my new apartment, fun times with friends, good makeouts, wacky adventures, trips to NY, etc.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
“epitaph for my heart” – the magnetic fields. there are more but i can’t think of them right now.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? fatter. but that’s not why i’m sadder.
c) richer or poorer? poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
making out.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
crying.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i’m going back to NY. i’m going to bake vegan macaroni casserole & apple muffins to share with judgemental relatives.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
i fell in love with my freedom, with the work i’ve been chosen to do & all the good people surrounding me. i plead the fifth as to whether any actual romance was involved.
22. How many one-night stands?
none, unless you count that psuedo-orgy post-dyke-march (which i don’t).
23. What was your favorite TV program?
geez i didn’t watch too much TV at all. huzzah!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
yes.
25. What was the best book you read?
“against love”, by i forget who; “rat bohemia” & “girls, visions & everything” by sarah schulman; “ladies first: revelations of a strong woman” by queen latifah, “pedro & me” by that guy from the real world; “nick & norah’s infinite playlist” by david levithan & rachel cohen
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
as per ush, i am slow on the uptake. so: outkast, common, the roots, arcade fire, etc.
27. What did you want and get?
a sweet apartment. inspiration. peace.
28. What did you want and not get?
an easy time.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 26. i went out for thai food with my pittsburgh favorites & then down to the lesbo bar, where i discovered my inner karaoke superstar for the first time ever!
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
less mental and physical health problems. less upset in my personal life. although i think that wreckage led me to somewhere better, it was still so hard.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
biz-cas faggot at work; also i declared this summer “femme summer ‘08″ and i experimented with being femme. (or femme-er–i still didn’t shave or wear makeup). it was semi-successful.
33. What kept you sane?
my friends, reading, baking, knowing i’d get through this.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
prison-related stuff, as per usual, especially how our tax dollars are being used to torture people in camp hill and throughout the state. also i got a lil’ misty-eyed when obama got elected (i know that’s not an “issue”, but it still falls within the realm of politix)
36. Who did you miss?
new york! new york! new york!
37. Who was the best new person you met?
amy, colleen, stephanie, everyone at book ‘em. also i technically met aaryn, alyssa, branden & pino last year but it was this year they became my amazing friends and i’m so glad.
cuz i have no short-term memory.
1) some book ‘em volunteer who i’ve never met or known died & her husband wrote us a check from her estate account for $5,000! which is over half our yearly operating budget!!!!!!!!!! those of you who know me in my day-to-day life know how stressed out book ‘em’s financial situation has left me, and this is amazing fucking news! i am so stoked.
2) if i die suddenly, plz donate money to prison book programs instead of buying me flowers, or do it on my birthday or death anniversary. i speak from personal experience when i say that it does make you feel a little better, donating money to groups that carry on yr dead pal’s vision for a better world. if i die suddenly because i got hit by a car, please donate money to bike advocacy groups like bikepgh or times up! nyc.
3) today my boss took me to lunch & we were talking about our origins. i said my family is originally from the bronx but moved to long island around the time that a whole bunch of other working-class white people were fleeing the bronx (i.e. the 1950’s). my boss said, in a faraway voice, “i went to the bronx when i was a little boy. we went to the zoo…to see the penguins…” (he’s 78.) he got quiet for a while and when i looked at him i noticed there were tears in his eyes. it was an oddly beautiful, poignant moment.
4) his daughter, however, remains a fucking bitch, and i was sorely tempted to key her motherfucking lexus today. but i shan’t get into that.
5) why does obama think that an economic stimulus plan is a good idea? why does anyone? it clearly doesn’t work (although i would certainly love a spare couple hundred bucks, duh)
6) out of all the upcoming things i have to be excited about this month, the thing i am most excited about is watching “home alone” with my siblings, and hearing my brother say, “santy claus don’t visit the funeral home, little buddy!” in that truly deranged way. don’t let me down, sibs!
7) i think i may be falling into a girl-shaped trap. if you know what i mean. complications may ensue.
8. i haven’t done a damn thing for christmas, and what’s more is that i don’t care.
9) at this time next week, barring any disasters, i’ll be in new york! it’ll be christmas eve! i cannot believe that this year is over, how crazy it’s been, how drastically fucking different my life is from a year ago, and any other number of things.
10) the khia song “my neck, my back” has been stuck in my head all day, which is a hilarious song to be playing in your mind while you’re hard at work at a law firm. even if it is, you know, the weirdest law firm in the world. it’s still not work appropriate! even though nobody knows it’s stuck in my head besides me.
i’m at work now (as per ush when i’m writing blog entries) and “california dreamin’” just came on the cheesy music station that my boss makes us listen to. i can’t hear that song without thinking of this one magical day that me, liz and sharon had in manhattan, when we were buried deep in grief and it was so cold out and we managed to have the most amazing day ever. this song showed up in a hilarious dive bar near penn station, where the toilets had no seats, the bartender didn’t know how to make a margarita (and his own personal drinks kept getting swiped by this old man at the bar every time he took his eyes off them!) and had never heard of triple sec, and a woman who may or may not have been a prostitute put this song on the jukebox. she closed her eyes and danced by herself, in a corner, not with anyone or for anyone. she had one of those faces where it’s obvious she’s had a rough life. she closed her eyes and swayed to the music in such a way that i knew she, for a few minutes, was escaping cold snowy new york city and going somewhere softer and more temperate. and i wanted, so badly, to go with her. i think about this woman periodically and wonder about her. i think about all the prostitutes i’ve had meaningful interactions with (and there have been quite a few), but this woman and i didn’t have an interaction, really. we didn’t speak and i don’t think she noticed me at all.
anyway, yesterday i wedged myself into the steamy underworld of banquet serving! i woke up before dawn, rode my bike through stopped traffic as the sun rose to my right. i met up with my friend stephanie and we sat around for a long time, then worked our asses off. i met a lot of nice people. everyone else knew each other, it was like entering a bizarre club. people laughed and joked and told stories all day. a few nervous breakdowns were had (not by me), i re-aggravated my wrist carrying trays of breadbaskets. i had never done banquet serving before, and this was actually the first job i’ve ever gotten by straight-up lying. it wasn’t too bad though. i was really nervous about carrying the trays, but stephanie said, “i saw you carrying that tray, and you looked so confident. then you spilled that breadbasket and i laughed.” i thought i heard her laughing as i spilled that, but i figured i was just being paranoid. but that was the only thing i dropped and i didn’t really drop it that badly.
pandemonium ensued as 4100 professional women descended upon the banquet hall! we got coffee! tea! decaf! oh, where the fuck is that decaf. then we ate lots of delicious free food on our lunch break, and then more delicious free food during clean-up. cheesecake bites! chocolate covered strawberries! one of my tables didn’t show up at all & i had to throw out ten perfectly good, untouched meals. i’ve gone hungry in my lifetime; it made me enraged to throw all that food out. i said, to the guy wheeling around the garbage can, “god bless america, huh?” in a sarcastic tone. he just looked at me funny.
late 2003, or maybe early 2004, before all the trouble began. another unremarkable night at the bar with my lover. the neighborhood she was living in was gentrifying rapidly, & we were at the last bar within walking distance that wasn’t completely overrun with yuppies just yet. i was an unemployed college student on winter break, no money & nowhere to go but her freezing punk house. luckily, we were crazy in love with each other & she had a good job at the cable company & her housemates were mostly my best friends, so it was all good.
i don’t remember a single thing about the bar. i do remember that we got really drunk, on her dime, and walked home holding hands. maybe we were singing, but probably just talking. i remember having a good conversation with an edge of sadness. & then we saw a huge pile of trash and stopped to pick through it.
christmas had happened really recently, and this particular trash pile had a fake tree that was thrown out fully decorated, as if the people who owned it said, “ehhh, i’m tired of this!” and tossed it right into the trash. i plucked the gleaming metal balls off and began hanging them at various places in my outfit–hat, buttonhole, scarf. and then my lover unwound the bright sparkly hanging from the tree (what is that called? it’s not quite tinsel–i don’t know) and wrapped it around me. we walked home giggling.
when we got home, a. was in the living room on the computer and c. was milling about. i opened the door and yelled, “I’M A CHRISTMAS TREE!” and they got it. completely unquestioningly got it. that was all i wanted. a. said something about how she was glad she had a life where drunk housemates came home dressed like christmas trees, i agreed, and then we all went to bed.
last night i sang “no scrubs” at blue moon karaoke with amanda & amy, and it was really gratifying (even if TLC do repeat themselves over and over again). i love that song. i remember one summer when it was popular, me and eric and kastoory were driving around listening to the radio, and that song was on, and we were by this basketball court where all these hot-but-losery townies played ball, and kastoory randomly leaned out the window (of her best friend’s ride) and hollered “GO TO COLLEGE! DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIVES!” just as TLC was warning of the scrubs doing just that. well, probably not yelling “go to college,” but you know. it was a truly great moment of synchronicity, and i felt very happy to be living my life and hanging out with my friends.
everything is kind of in this weird space with me. i found my dream house, like utter dream house, but i’m not sure if i’m going to pass the credit check because i have a bunch of unpaid medical bills from my most recent health scare. but i’m not sure if medical bills infect your credit rating. i feel like i read somewhere that they do not. maybe they do. other than that i’ve been mailing out lots of zines, being anxious and scared about everything, watching good 90’s tv shows (does anyone remember “popular”?) making kale smoothies and the best burritos i’ve ever had (hope in burrito form! and you don’t even have to stand over a hot stove!), etc.
my goals for the summer are 1) stop being embarrassing 2) get rid of my backne, which could conceivably fall under goal #1. i am making good progress on the backne. i don’t know about being embarrassing. i feel really bad and embarrassed pretty much every time i open my mouth, but i keep trying anyway. it doesn’t help that while i was walking to the giant eagle yesterday, a middle-aged woman looked at me and very loudly said, “oooooooooooooookay,” which was kind of funny, but also kind of mean.
my current favorite thing is this slab of plywood on eden way (between 44th & 45th. look for it if you’re in the hood). when i moved in, there was this beautiful drawing on a piece of cloth glued to it. then, a few months later, someone wheatpasted what appeared to be a woodcut print beneath it. then, a few days ago, someone put what looked like a print-out of a graphic design. then, a line drawing of birds. then, a few days later, a tag. it is so spontaneous and beautiful. amanda suggested i put up a poem; i’m thinking of it. pictures to follow, once branden gets his ass back to pittsburgh and helps me pick out a quality digital camera!
so, like, today my eyes are itchy and my wrists are limp. i’m dressed like a cute faggot–not biz cas at all, despite the fact that i’m at work. staying late basking in the air conditioning. i’ve been singing the saddest song to my empty house for dayz. it makes me feel sad and sweet all at once. i’ve made some important life decisions that maybe i will stick with. maybe not. i just want someone to swim in the polluted river with me & someone to spoon with even when it’s unbearably hot. butt curved against hipbone, feeling like puzzle pieces. it’s been so long.
i’ve been thinking about appreciation, about love, about letting people know. today i was reading the guestbook from my old diaryland page (2000-2004, rip) & was confronted with this gem:
i love your voice, when you tell your stories it’s your timber that fills them,and it’s beautiful, and hilarious, and yes, full. You are a story teller, you know. When i come home and hear you talking a smile always creeps up on the corner of my lips, because i know you’re wonderful, and that the day will be so much more worth while because i will be able to share moments of it with you. Know this Ocean Capewell, you are cherished.
from axi nue
6:39 am – Sunday,February 8, 2004
i had totally forgotten that she had ever signed my guestbook–there are a few entries, but this was the best. such a present. & it stings to look at the date & think she’d be dead in less than a year’s time, but back then she was so alive, so smart, so sparkling, so brilliant, and i never told her. i want to tell you, all of you. i am working on figuring out how.
i am at “work” at the TBH, listening to the local alterna-radio station play fuzzily while reading a book of essays by sarah schulman (heart!). “you know you’re right” by nirvana just came on & it reminded me of something weird. six years ago, on long island for the first time in a long time. i went on a job interview & didn’t bring my bike to the train station because it was 95 degrees out & i didn’t want to be sweaty. i took a cab from the train station in mineola to the job interview (which is another funny story but doesn’t fit in with what i’m trying to say here), went to the job interview (proofreading at a local paper), had literally everyone in the office stop what they were doing and stare at me in shocked silence (oh long island. this was during my closet-tranny period). i walked back to mineola & took the train back to syosset. nobody was home to pick me up, so i got into the cab.
cabs in long island are weird—you don’t get one all to yourself unless you pay top $. usually, you are herded in there with up to 5 other strangers and you get driven all over with them. there’s no meter & drivers charge whatever the hell they feel like. that day, the driver was my favorite one–a mid-20’s white guy with long tennis-ball-colored dreads. he was wearing overalls with no shirt & you could see his pierced nipple. some irritating woman was demanding that he drive her first, alone, and then send someone else to pick up the hordes. “fuck no! you want fucking private service, you call a fucking limo! come on, everyone, get in,” and we all herded in, kind of stunned. as we peeled out of the parking lot, he leaned out, gave her the finger, and yelled, “FUCKING YUPPIE!” everyone laughed. then “you know you’re right” came on the radio, and our cab driver got so happy, like this wave of relief visibly spread through his body. “fuck yeah,” he said, turned it up and headbanged. it made me really happy.
i didn’t take cabs for years before that. an old friend of mine, one i was secretly in love with, got raped by a cabbie when we were all 14 or 15 or so. she was coming home drunk from a party. this was after she stopped talking to me, so i heard it thru the grapevine, but it broke my heart, and for years i avoided cabs at all costs. not because i thought i would be raped, but because i couldn’t stand the thought of tipping the man who raped her. i didn’t know anything about him, but it was a small town, a small cab company. i liked tennis-ball-dreads dude because he was too young to have been working 5 years ago. and because he rocked out to nirvana and wouldn’t tolerate rude yuppies. man, i hate those yuppies too.
