i sigh angrily at computers all day.

had a premonition i’d get severely hurt if i rode my bike to work today. so i walked. saw this graffiti as i was walking down penn avenue and even though i was gonna be late i took a picture anyway. what else is there to do. the thought one day this will not hurt so badly is mocking & useless. it does not offer sustenance or any real hope. but it is all i have to give myself and it is all anyone has to give to me. ironically, i am paid to give the exact same threadbare sympathy to people who are in situations far more desperate than i am. and it’s all i have to give. and it’s more than most people give. and it is not even approaching enough.

today on break i was complaining to j. how i have no vices left. jokingly said i need to become a pillhead because i can’t drink or smoke cigarettes and i hate weed. i had two puffs of his cigarette because i was feeling stressed out and sad and a little bit selfdestructive. i actually do have some vices left, but he doesn’t need to know about them and neither do you. immediately upon returning from break, i had a client with severe chronic bronchitis. she claimed it was from second-hand smoke. every so often she would be overcome with coughing that would wrack her whole body. i felt guilty. at the end of my interview with her she gasped, between coughs, pray you don’t ever get sick, honey. i said, i do.

in my mind i’m actually in minneapolis today. it’s summer and a lot of the bad things haven’t happened yet. debbie and i are walking around powderhorn park, barefoot and laughing. her cat is still alive and waiting for us in the zinemobile. the sun is sinking and we’re feeling okay. i don’t know where debbie is now, i think her phone was shut off. i’m in minneapolis, the vibrancy of the streets in cedar-riverside. i’m about to go swimming in the lake, but first i have to figure out the right light rail. that’s where my mind is today, not here. not here. i can’t fucking stand it.

RIP paul c., 1984-2011.

i haven’t seen you in years, but you were fucking amazing. the best cupcakes, hilarious one-liners, a perfect blend of bronx-faggot street smarts and sassy silliness. “spill that tea, girl, that shit is hot!” i hope heaven is full of fashion shows, good cookin’, and truly scandalous gossip. the world will miss you.

road full of promise, head full of doubt.

on thursday, i had a really fucking good day, light-hearted at work, sweet people left & right, and a really meaningful convo with a young trans client that i think changed both of our lives a little bit. and after that, i ran home and packed and headed out to philly in a car full of queers. i was wearing my super fun adventure hat that i liberated from target last weekend. it’s a tiny cowboy hat that sits on a headband, cocked at an unlikely angle. every day that i’ve worn it has been fun! and this was no exception. at a rest stop in nowheresville PA a suuuuper gay employee chirped, “well aren’t you cute! i love that hat!” and it made my night.

friday i rode bikes around philly with steph & danny. we ate the most delicious sweet potato fries and read in the warm comfort of giovanni’s room, my fave queer bookstore in america, i think. maybe the only one i’ve ever been to that’s still standing? i love that fucking place. and it was so cozy, reading books with two good friends, so far away from home. the day was bright and sunny and i was kinda sad because philly brings up sad things for me, but we laughed and rode around the schuykill river, on the trail, and it was super good. that night i got real drunk and ate some delicious mexican food at carey’s mom’s house, i told stories and worked shit out with someone i love. and then stayed up until 5am dancing and talking with rob & carey. i love my philly friends, we’ve been through so much together and they really feel like my family.

saturday i puked. all day. i forget i can’t drink like i used to. i felt better around 7pm and we all went out again around 10. i didn’t drink, but i did have a random man pet my red fake fur jacket and yell, “man, i want to cover my whole house with this shit! it’s like the 70′s all over again!” he also lifted his shirt to reveal his stomach tattoo that said, “BEST FUCK EVER.” i was like, “ooo….kay.” i just didn’t even know what to do, because he wasn’t even being creepy up until that point.

on sunday we went home, but not before making a brief appearance at the philly zine fest. steph, danny & i pranced from the car to the rotunda singing “party in the USA” by miley cyrus at the top of our lungs. while we were doing this, i found a checkbook smeared with blood, with a cryptic phrase written on the back (which i’ve already forgotten.) i hugged j.bee and sari and talked to them for like 5 minutes each before i hustled myself back into the car for the long drive home. i came home to peace & quiet & it was so nice. i realized that this is the first time i’ve left town in nearly 2 years where i haven’t been worrying the whole time that my partner is cheating on me & i’m gonna come home to a shitshow. it is SO NICE to just come home to exactly what i expected. it is SO NICE to not have to worry about that.

yesterday i woke up to a text from my mother saying my dad’s dead best friend had come to her in a dream and said, “someone is trying to kill you.” it startled her awake. my mom, like me, is slightly psychic–not enough to predict things with any regularity, but enough to feel kinda crazed. yesterday i shared a meaningful handshake with a heartbroken stranger and got interviewed by a canadian journalist about riot grrrl (!!).

today is still young. something happened at work that had me crying in the bathroom at 9am about the unfairness of the fucking world. and now it’s my lunch break. the urge to write is stronger than the urge to eat, sometimes.

last night i had a moment. dancing hysterically with steph & danny at lez liquor hour of all freakin’ places. drunk and silly and it felt like a junior high dance in the best way. it’s been so long since i have danced in public. steph said, “we can dance any way we want, because we don’t know anyone here and we don’t care what they think!” and in pittsburgh, it’s rare to be somewhere and not know anyone. but she was right! so i danced, & i thought, why do i always have the best times during the worst times? not that i was gonna question it or try to make it go away. i was just wondering.

later, we were at the bar, going to town on a vegetable-and-cheese platter that someone had left behind. at one point, i put a piece of broccoli in my mouth, and i was transported back to this place: winter 2004. sitting in a cold punk house (that has now been divided into yuppie apartments) with sharon & axi, on a torn-up couch. the only lights are christmas lights wrapped around the TV, which we don’t really use. i am secretly overly happy about this, that we are those kinds of people who use the TV as a shelf. anyway, we all had a really great conversation that lasted for hours. the only line i can remember is the one that i wrote down: “if i have to be a raver, i TOTALLY want a broccoli floret as my pacifier!” i forget who said it, me or axi.

so here i am, 2011, the stem in my mouth, the leafy part out, remembering that moment, that long-ago moment with two wonderful ladies who i never see anymore. looking at my reflection in my mirror across the bar, my eyes so huge without glasses. smushing my face up, trying to pretend that i’m a cheeky 90′s raver sucking on my pacifier just to be weird or whatever.  i thought i want a picture of this, and then caldwell came barrelling in the door with their camera slung around their neck like always. so they took a picture of me and all i could think was, oh, 2011. oh, how did i ever wind up here?

closure weekend/annotated heartbreak.

boarding the bus to DC, i heard the bus drivers making fun of the guy a few spaces ahead of us. “damn, look at all the scars on his arms!” “he cut himself up, ugh!” “ahh, must have fallen in a pricker bush!” and then raucous, hateful laughter. i wondered if people ever say that about me.

by the magic of fate, ray wound up sitting next to this guy. he was semi-obviously trans and his arms were covered in really thick scars. meticulous. we both wanted to reach out to him. ray thought about slipping him a note that said, “i’m trans too!” with a smiley face, because ray is stealth and totally passes. while that makes his life a lot easier, it also makes him unable to nod meaningfully at strangers. (incidentally, this guy shared a “what’s up?” nod with me. a lot of you gender-nonconformers know what i’m talking about. being genderqueer sucks in so many ways, but exchanging solidarity nods with strangers can be so sweet, sometimes.)

random bus guy seemed so sad. he got off in fredrick, MD, which also seemed kind of awful. we got off the bus too, for a ten minute smoke break. we were running around the parking lot, trying to get to the train station to exchange a kiss (because ray used to pick me up at the train station here, back when he lived in maryland) and we saw random bus guy get swooped into the arms of a tough, mouthy femme. they both looked so happy! it made us both feel kind of hopeful.

and now we are in DC, for the zinefest. we bought our bus tickets as a couple and are going together as broken-up-but-still-best-friends, as he-lets-me-cry-all-over-his-chest-after-reading-this-article-which-reminded-me-a-little-too-much-of-us. as more-than-friends-less-than-partners. as heartwrenching-but-loving. (gawd, have i used enough hyphens yet?). i don’t know what to introduce him as tomorrow. ex-boyfriend? friend? sweetheart? all of these words feel wrong. but i guess that’s the least of my problems.

dc was where things started for us, in a way, and it’s where things are ending. of course, they’d started before DC, and probably will not be over when we get home. on that magical DC trip it was bone-chillingly cold, now it’s stifilingly hot. the windchill was around 10 then, the heat index is around 107 today. nearly a hundred degrees. i always fall in love with people when it’s cold out and we break up when it’s hot. why is that. he says it’s because the cold makes you want to hold people close and the heat makes you want to push them away.

but i’m ok, i’m ok. probably moving out real soon. i can’t even think about it, really. i’m going to be traveling for 19 days in august. not all in a row, of course. i’m excited & scared. i think traveling for a long stretch is easier when you’re not looking forward to going home. when yr life is at a crossroads. so here’s to the chaos! today we went to the art museum and ate delicious food at busboys & poets. we held hands and whispered at the museum and it felt okay, like just a few degrees away from normal. i’ll take it, i guess.

drinks & fun & apocalypse.

so, you know how most of the time, getting drunk won’t solve anything? last night was one of those rare nights when it kind of did! i was feeling really stressed out and awful, like a tense little toad (as we say around my house) but it was my friend’s birthday and she was hanging out at the local gay bar, so i went and it was super fun, lots of peeps were buying me drinks too due to MY recent birthday, and drunkness & loudness ensued.

so fun, & kind of just what i needed. danny & i went to the diner late at night & we were giggly driving talking so fast and so loud, and i said, “i feel ALIVE again!” he said, “yeah me too,” and it was a sweet moment.

i went to bed at 1:45 and woke up at 5 to the tweeting of the birds. even though it was a mostly successful night socially, i laid awake obsessively replaying my one  faux pas of the eve. whenever i remember something stupid that i’ve said or done, i often say, “fuck!” or “blah!” to myself. i kept doing that as i replayed the moment in my head. i thought i was being quiet but then ray said, in a very exasperated tone of voice, “baby, your blah-ing is keeping me awake!” and we had a giggle.

this afternoon i was eating lunch at a certain corporate-yet-delicious burrito chain, sitting at a window facing the street, when i saw five vans with this exact message:

hmm! apparently someone has used a very confusing math equation with the bible & gotten that exact date. normally i’m one for getting at least a little scared about apocalypse hysteria, but this is just too silly. here’s an article about these people who are, uh, spreading the word…

in other fundamentalist news, i have found one of my favorite magazine articles of all time! from spin magazine, spring 1996, where elizabeth gilbert (an unknown hack at the time, now the powerhouse behind “eat pray love”) goes undercover at exodus (kind of a boot camp for ex-gays.) it’s hilarious and heartbreaking and reading it at age 14 probably shaped my queer consciousness at least a little bit.

erie, schmerie

for reasons strange and complicated that i don’t feel like going into here, my boyfriend had to do something in erie, pa this weekend, so i decided to go with him. i needed a roadtrip, plus erie seems kind of magical on the internet. it has cute street names (parade street, sassafrass street, etc) and for some reason it seems really gay and there are these 2 guys riding  around town on a tandem bicycle–they’re a queer couple, they dress wackily and go everywhere on their tandem and live in a beautiful strange house with lovely pictures painted on the outside. i admired their courage and cheerfulness, but now that i’ve actually been to erie i REALLY admire it. it was SO depressing (not to mention bike-unfriendly). the next time i hear someone complain about pgh being a depressing pit i’m gonna recommend they drive 2 hours north. pittsburgh looks like a haven of love and contentment! i am so happy to be home, even with a broken furnace!

but i’m getting ahead of myself. we had one of those good drives up, where you talk about things and it all feels so meaningful, when you feel like you’ve got a good co-captain in your life. the only sour spot was an overpass with “FORNICATION IS A GREVIOUS SIN =)” spray painted on it. the smiley face (which was the right side up, of course) was the creepiest part. i’m glad i don’t live in a condo by the side of the highway where every house is painted beige. why do they do that? because they’re afraid. i’m glad i don’t think fornication is a grevious sin. yeah me too.

pittsburgh on friday was gorgeous, so warm. i found out it was 71 degrees not by checking the weather channel or looking at a website, but by observing a man in front of my job wave his iphone in a woman’s face and yell, “see, i told you! 71 degrees!” the woman responded with an angry, “your FEVER’s gonna be a HUNDRED and 71 degrees when i’m done with you!”

anyway, upstate snow was still on the ground and it was in the 30′s. we rode around presque isle state park, riding straight into the wind and the gray. it was beautiful but sad too. when we got to the lake erie side we were kind of surprised to see it was frozen!

i realize this makes me sound like an idiot, but you gotta understand, i grew up on long island, totally taking the ocean for granted. i’m used to big roaring bodies of water that never ever freeze, no matter how cold it gets. so, we looked out on this body of water and felt appropriately small. the wind sluiced right through our coats and got into our lungs. time to go.

we accidentally went to an anti-choice thrift store after that, and were feeling discouraged and grossed out (didn’t buy anything, thank goddess). driving around feeling dejected, we saw the guys on the bike! and waved to them. “i feel like that’s a good sign,” said ray, and then we found the salvation army, which had not only a waffle iron, but the exact waffle iron i had been dreaming of, for $3.50! it’s the kind that makes waffles that are kind of heart-shaped. i was so excited to see it, i gasped loudly and people looked at me like i was going to fall to the ground. but i didn’t!

okay,, that’s enough. i also saw “jersey shore” for the first time in a long time and i don’t know what to think. why isn’t ronnie kicked off the show for being an abusive asshole? and why, on a show where people talk about shitting (and even show their clogged-up toilet on camera on more than one occasion) is menstruation the last unspeakable taboo? bitch magazine wrote an interesting piece about it a long time ago. oh well. i’m from long island and i grew up with TONS of people just like the jersey shore cast members, and even though they’re total idiots and really annoying and stupid, they’re also funny in this particular way that i miss, that i don’t get out here.

oh, and today the sun came out, so we rode our bikes some more, and then ate some really good sandwiches and met a british woman who said that when i’m in europe i need to drink coffee in a sidewalk cafe and watch life go by, because americans don’t do that enough.

and now we’re home! our furnace broke (?) but who the hell cares, winter is over and i’ve lived in colder houses. drinking ginger tea in my insulated carhartts. hooray.

the most poignant corner of my refrigerator

2010 in review! (feel free to steal this. self-reflection is good!)

What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

COMPLETED A NOVEL!!, saw a man dressed as sarah palin pull an amerikan flag from his ass onstage, rode my bike across state lines, rode my bike 320 miles in a week, camped for more than one consecutive night, visited mainland canada, had a 2-guy threesome, had a full-time job with benefits, got my passport! (not in chronological order.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

yes, they were to get my passport and finally leave the country and make a significant dent in my debt. i’ve done all 3. next year’s goals: leave the continent, get outta debt, find a home for my book.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
someone who i used to be close with did, i think.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one close, as of this moment.

5. What countries did you visit?
canada!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
some new stamps on my passport. a published book. friends at work that i actually get to see during the workday.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
mostly awful things that i don’t really want to remember, or else sexy/romantic things that i don’t want to share here. um. i remember getting pizza tattoos on valentines day, the aforementioned american flag incident, that beet dinner with stephanie and pino, toronto funtimes, going swimming with my sibs in the polish hill pool, some dinners at landslide, a ridiculous time on the southside,  the bike trip, some other things…

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

besides the book, i really didn’t achieve anything. i spent most of my time working jobs that made me really sad; giving most of my money to student loan officers; being misunderstood by strangers, friends and lovers alike; raging, crying, being heartbroken in every sense of the word.

9. What was your biggest failure?

see above. also, i really wish i’d gotten off the bus when i’d gotten a certain beseeching text message, but i just kept on going like a drone.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

the front rack & panniers for my bike. the occasional cute outfit.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

most pittsburgh people, my siblings, my old-school friends and my sweetheart.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

my co-workers & my sweetheart.

14. Where did most of your money go?

student loans, delicious food, cute outfits, and good books and music. oh and the bike trip!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
quitting my god-awful job with child prtective srvcs. getting more tattoos. going to toronto. going on the bike trip. seeing the ocean again. and several things that didn’t happen.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

i don’t want to be reminded. but probably arcade fire, lil’ kim and 70′s punk rock. (i know these are artists/genres and not songs)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder?  sadder.
b) thinner or fatter? the jury’s out. i really don’t care.
c) richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
writing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

crying in the bathroom at work. trying to explain things to people who just don’t get it. working, in general.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

already spent it. in new york. got off to a rough start but then it got way better. full of delicious food, berets, a vuvuzela, much hilarity, and my long-lost sister!

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
no.

22. How many one-night stands?
two. surprised?

23. What was your favorite TV program?
ru paul’s drag race.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no. but i have stopped being friends with a lot of people this year!

25. What was the best book you read?
i actually read a lot of really great books this year. some of my faves were “a visit from the goon squad” -jennifer egan, “will grayson, will grayson” by john green & david levithan, “sex changes” and “public sex” by patrick califia, “freedom” by jonathan franzen, more i’m sure.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
i really loved “the suburbs” by arcade fire.

27. What did you want and get?
a finished book! and a halfway-decent job (although it’s been AWFUL these past 2 months)

28. What did you want and not get?
sympathy. empathy. consideration.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 28 but you woulda thought i was 12 by how i celebrated: cake & girl talk (the game, not the band) & lots of giggling. it was actually REALLY fun.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

see question #28.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

have i ever had a personal fashion concept? i mean, really? i wore skirts more often than i ever have in my life, perhaps.

33. What kept you sane?
reading good books, my bicycle, my ipod (esp. at work), sometimes my friends and lover.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
i am numb.

36. Who did you miss?
kastoory, eric g., emily, sheena and lucy. axi, as always. and a few people who i don’t want to name.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
danny and hilary, i think.

snowy times, tough dykes, & possibilities

winter is here and it sucks the breath out of my lungs, that first step outside. i didn’t believe it would happen. i don’t know why, i just thought things would be different. but i’m sleep-deprived & over-caffeinated, just like most people, wandering through the days in a numb haze. already tired of it, with many months to go.

i saw “rise against: the tribe 8 documentary” last night with a bunch of fun queers, and it was so good, so snarky and relevant to my life both now and long ago, made me miss my crazy punk dyke friends, all gone now in one way or another. and just seeing a movie, seeing something, that made sense to me, that i could relate to, was like a salve. there’s one line i thought about all day, where silas flipper says, “i read somewhere that a woman’s worst fear is being raped, and a man’s worst fear is being laughed at. i think that says a lot about how things are in our society. so, i try to laugh at men as much as i can!” i spent all day wondering how any woman gets by in this world without subverting it in some way. all the women that i work with, who i don’t like at all, i still feel bad for them. all the dieting, the endless trying to please everyone in their lives, all the casual self-hatred tossed out all day. “i’m so fat.” “i’m so stupid.” how have they done it for so long?

i don’t think that i’m making the point that i want to make. so i will change the subject. i was thinking of moving back to new york, not this summer but next, and working for the union for a little bit, mainly because i want my next novel to be a lesbian construction worker romance (which will not be as ridiculous as it sounds!) i worked construction the summer of 2004, in the union that my dad is a member of, that my grandfather and great-grandfather were a member of. fourth generation. all the grizzled old union guys were impressed when i told them. it sucked, getting up early and sweating all day with a bunch of dudes, half of whom were so pissed that i was there because they felt like they couldn’t scratch their balls all day or whatever the fuck. but it was also a really interesting environment that i kind of want to talk about. and i want to talk about how the women in that environment took care of each other; we had to. there were about 500 guys in the building and about 20 women. and it was so beautiful, what we saw in each other, what we nurtured and protected.

plus, funny things happened there every day. just little things. i don’t feel like telling any of the stories right now, but maybe i’ll be in the mood some day. the graffiti was great, the conversations were sometimes great, just being in those buildings while they were still new, before anyone else, high above the city as the sun slowly crawled above the buildings. and the first-born in my family has always been an electrician, for three generations before me, and i usually hate tradition but there was something about swinging that hammer, about cutting that pipe, about running that wire through the ceiling, that felt so right, that i felt deep in my bones. so maybe i’ll do it again, just for the summer when i’m off from my other job, gathering stories like little figs, underslept and overcaffeinated, just like i am now.