last winter, amanda & i vowed not to hibernate & not to have a bad winter. we had the best winter ever. of course, i was swept up in the intoxication of a new love, which helped a lot.
what will this winter bring? i’m pretty nervous about 2010. even-numbered years tend to be bad. & 2009 was super-great, for the most part, which makes me think that i’m just gonna be punished again. there was this woman who won’t talk to me now but who taught me so much, and one thing she said to me, perched on the lid of the toilet in my old apartment in brooklyn, was: “not all happiness is punishable. you have to remember that.” & oh, i am trying. but i’m scared. because i know better.
i got some good zines in the mail over these past few days & i’m almost done with my latest zine. yay! it’s a split with a friend of mine in prison. i know what yinz are thinking — “prisoner zines suck”, “who is this weirdo?” etc, etc. but it actually came out really good, i think. and i’m excited to unleash it on the world. this dude and i used to be really tight. i’m significantly less enthused about him than i used to be. it’s okay, though, because we made a good zine & that’s enough.

so. last night i was watching channel 11 news, mostly cuz it’s hilarious & shit, and while watching it i learned that a client at work had died. she was 80. she was hit by a truck while carrying some beer to her house. she was a very decrepit, frail old woman, who would hobble in on the third of every month to pay us $200 on her son’s legal bills.
her son is in prison. he got into a fight with someone over a parking space, called him “the n-word,” and then the guy came in his house to kick his ass & he shot him. just in the leg, the guy didn’t die, but police held him at a standoff as he hid in the house & huffed glue. i wasn’t working here when his case was active, but i heard he was a real dumbass. my boss discharged him due to non-cooperation & he lost his trial & now he’s in prison. i had to write him a letter telling him that his mother is dead. that’s the first time i’ve ever done that; it’s also the first time i found out that someone i know died via the evening news.
it’s just sad. the whole situation. all the shitty lives in this neighborhood. working here has given me this strange insight into my neighbors’ lives that i wouldn’t have any other way. if i didn’t work here i might think that this place was something else, something else entirely.

thanksgiving was fucking great. i was initially bummed because i thought nobody was coming, but then amanda said she would come & i realized that she is all i need at thanksgiving, because she’s really inspirational & important to me. & then etta revealed that she wanted to come too and the three of us made this perfect thanksgiving trifecta and it was just great. really magical in this way i can hardly describe.
& then i went to ali & colleen’s afterwards and that was fun too. i read everyone an amazing text that my sister sent me: “”i didn’t know what this song on my itunes was so i named it the dirty song by the pottymouths”-mom re: sublime’s what i got”. all the americans laughed heartily at that one but there were two rad israeli fags who didn’t catch the reference. so we all tried to sing that song for them & it was really funny listening to dignified gay people singing sublime for some very confused israeli dudes. but maybe you had to be there.

also there was a hideous hot-pink sparks-esque beverage being passed around. i drank some out of a crystal teacup because it was too hilarious not to. and now i am feeling it. blah! i could hardly sleep at all last night & today i feel really sick.

anyway, i read everyone some poems by the amazing lesbian native american poet chrystos that ali had picked out and i don’t know, it was a really fucking good thanksgiving. oh, and amanda & i saw a rainbow walking home from the mert through the graveyard. and i met a guy at the bus stop who told me all these stories about how he failed mechanic school: “i was always fallin’ asleep. the guy would be talkin’ about the crescent wrench for a whole hour! who could sit through that?”

1. immediately upon arrival had to clean up some goopy diarrhea-esque dog shit from the front step

2. it smelled awful even after i cleaned it (FUCK YOU DOGS OF LAWRENCEVILLE AND YOUR STUPID NEGLECTFUL OWNERS!!!!!!!!!!) so i dumped some baking soda on it

3. my boss’ driver, a mild-mannered middle-aged xtian lady, saw the baking soda and said, “geez! it looks like somebody spilled a bag of cocaine on your front step!”

4. while i was at lunch with nate we spotted a tough guy wearing a sleeveless neon green shirt. i said, “whoa, look at that guy!” and he totally heard me! we had a good laugh over that but i felt bad too.

5. a client, a very charming old-ish lady who’s really being put through the wringer, came to my desk and said, “can you type a letter for me?” i said sure. she said, “dear creditors: [her name] is tired of dealing with you. she has a cough, nausea, and upset stomach. please don’t bother her anymore.” she asked me to read it back and said, “better put in diarrhea, too.” then, with a flourish, she lit up a cigarette and i had to ask her politely not to smoke in the office.

6. she came back from her smoke break clutching a gigantic (like 3′ tall) teddy bear (guess where that came from). upon her request, i put it in an empty seat in the conference room, much to everyone’s delight.

7. a certain crazy store-owner whose name i will not mention was yelling, to no one in particular, “do you like baby dolls? do you like baby dolls?” i’m pretty sure she was talking to someone walking by, but the early-20’s law clerk dude answered, in the most scared and uncertain voice ever, “yes?”

so, it was a slow week at work, as my boss was at trial. luckily, one of my friends just started working here so we had lots of fun just goofing off on the clock. we came up with the idea to google “bad tattoos” and giggle at the skin carnage all over the internet.
here are the best tattoos i’ve come across in those long, lonely hours; and i humbly share them with you, dear readers.

and, the most bizarrely genius one of them all:

i want to be this person’s friend. and eat a tofu pup with them. the end.

so. it’s official. after nine years of rabid urban bicycling i’m too scared to ride my bike.
i don’t know what brought this on. nothing brought it on. everything brought it on. i haven’t ridden for nearly a week, but today i had to, because i’m working in oakland, at my stupid job that i hate that i got a year ago today & was so so happy about. there’s no reliable, convenient public transit from where i live to where i work. there is public transit but it would take roughly an hour to go about three miles. so i said fuck it. because i believe in facing my fears. in not letting fear win. i made it about 6 blocks, to 47th & butler, before a school bus came up from behind me, roaring, tons & tons & tons of indifferent metal. nothing that hasn’t happened thousands of times before.
but this time i wasn’t brave enough. so i pulled over to the side of the road. i knew i wasn’t just going to let it pass and keep on going. i pulled onto the sidewalk & stepped off, shaking. i’m not brave enough anymore.
so i walked here, to the library. up & up the hill, looking to all the pedestrians like some stupid weak girl who couldn’t make it up the hill on a bike, like i have to push it. i know i can do it, physically, but i can’t, mentally. it took every ounce of strength & composure i may have left to not just throw my fucking bike to the floor and weep, right there.
so is this it? do i give myself up to the cruel mistress of public transit? do i give up on the idea that i can get places when i want to go to them, on my schedule. do i ignore the voice inside of me saying “don’t do it, you’ll get killed” and then get killed because i want to do what i want when i want to? is that worth dying for? once i would have said, inarguably, yes. yes it is. now i’m not so certain.
& the worst part is, i don’t know when i’m being intuitive & when i’m just being crazy. when i’m saving my life vs. when i’m ruining it. they look & feel & sound the same.

this weekend was so weird and quiet and strange. spent it boyfriendless for the first time in a long time (his mom was visiting) & it was nice to have some time all to myself to explore and exist and be.

saturday was the garlickiest garlic bread ever, friends new and old, laughing until i squeaked, making a wallet (or beginning one, anyway), staying up late and falling asleep happy & content by myself in my tiny blue-green room.

on sunday i went to book ‘em before normal hours so i could get some work done for a few hours. on the ride home i decided to cut through the allegheny cemetery (blatantly ignoring the “NO BIKES” sign. yup, call the badass office and tell them to issue me a license…) (I’M BEING SARCASTIC) and it was fucking so incredibly gorgeous i thought i was gonna fall right off my bike. that place in autumn is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! the most beautiful place in pittsburgh!

i disturbed a flock of ravens, by accident, with my pedaling & they all took off & i was surrounded by hundreds of birds in flight. it was fucking magic.

and then i made s’mores on my stovetop and then went to the laundromat. i sat on the stoop of a pizza place while my clothes were in the drier, sewing my wallet and enjoying the sun on my face. the pizza place was closed (or so i thought), making it a prime place to sit in the sun like a wayward senior citizen (or so i thought!)

but, a guy needed to get in, so i jumped up, kinda startled. when i put my left foot down, i was like “ow” and went to investigate. i saw a huge sewing needle sticking out of my shoe, so i pulled it out. i put my left foot down again and it still hurt. upon closer inspection, i’d stepped on TWO needles at once, one of which had snapped and was impaled in my shoe & was impossible to pull out with my bare hands.

so, i called pino 911 and she came with a bag full of pliers and saved the day. god, i love that woman. we took a walk and talked about life. we were hugging goodbye a few hours later & talking about making dinner. a guy wearing a stars-and-stripes jogging suit was staring at us & pino jokingly said, “what, ya wanna come to dinner too?” he yelled, “i dunno, what’s good?” “everything i make is good!” “oh yeah, like what?” “like liver and onions!” “liver and onions, huh? how do ya make that?” and he wouldn’t leave until pino explained, in detail, how to make liver & onions. i lurked in the background cuz i didn’t want to leave her alone with this insane man. finally he was satisfied and walked down the street. as he passed me he made eye contact, looking at ME like i was the crazy one, and sneered, “you can go back to your girlfriend now,” !!! what a weirdo. i texted pino about it once i got home and she replied with something like, “that’s the last time i talk to a stranger wearing gym clothes.” ha!

p.s. OMG, like, seventeen magazine is hatin’ on FTMs. you should check it out. totally fucked up & minorly surprising, as both teen people and cosmogirl! had positive articles on trannies in the past few years. oh well. write them, or not, it probably won’t make a real difference but i guess it’s good to be aware of, or something…

of me, my sister & my mom this weekend. at the warhol, duh. i’m holding a sign that says “i suck” but you can’t see it. my mom’s glasses are tilted because i accidentally knocked them off in our mad dash to fit in the photobooth before the flash went off.

this weekend was really fun & good. sometimes i forget that my mom is actually a very fun, interesting lady. it was sunny and we did all sorts of fun things and i felt loved and appreciated, which is rare when it comes to my family.

more later, with pictures, if i feel like it.

example: the following things that people googled in order to come across this page. sorry if this is dull to any of yinz, i just think it’s so fascinating and strange!

1. girls breasts without clothes
2. auto mechanic memorial tattoo (i got 3 separate hits for this!!! is this really so popular???!?)
3. indecent birthday image
4. breast tattoo gallery
5. what i did at work today
6. “i am not femme”
7. games kill the boss derailleur (!??!!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!) (for those of you who don’t know, a derailleur is a part on a bike. it changes the gears)
8. “ironically, i still love”
9. i am a young male and my boss is such an asshole i can’t take it anymore
10. “begging you for change hair on”

to those of you who are bored: you should write me a hundred-word story about why anyone would google any one of these bizarre phrases. leave it in the comments. be outrageous. i love you.

so last month ray & i took a strange midwestern roadtrip & i am finally putting some pics on the interweb.

we found this hilarious bisexual porn at an I-70 porn shop (called, hilariously, “the lion’s den”) and i wanted to take pictures of us reading it everywhere, but it quickly got lost in the car & i forgot. so this is the only pic of me reading it, in a state park in ohio where we camped out.

this is ray in columbus, oh. sorry i didn’t rotate it.

this is also in columbus, oh, maybe a few minutes after taking the previous picture. so much kissing!

this is me in indianapolis, in, in relentless search of vegetarian food. it’s hard to find in indiana (a state that neither of us liked)

yo, did you know that the (AMAZING) community center in urbana, which hosts its local prison book program, which of course we visited because we’re giant dorks, has a freaking COSTUME ROOM?!!? omg! it is so much more fun packing books whilst wearing a bridal veil & sequinned wrap, and when your boyfriend looks like a big gay cowboy wearing sparkly clip-on earings. hurrah!

not pictured:
*wingnuts in indianapolis
*totally cute boy we became friends with at an ice cream shop in columbus
*amazing thrift scores at ohio thrift (the boardgame girl talk, a perfect skirt, a baseball hat for elmer’s glue, rubber stamps of all the bones in a skeleton, more…)
*delicious vegetarian food
*endless sweet people
*bumping into my old housemate caroline nappo, who i haven’t seen in 7 years
etc, etc, etc. i really want to travel more now. my itchy traveling foot needs some calomine.

IN UNRELATED NEWS:
*i’m at the lawrenceville library & it’s official, it’s closing next summer. : ( : ( : ( the guy at the desk told me so. he said, “but maybe we can do something about it. there ain’t no use crying over spilled milk–once it’s actually spilled, then we’ll cry” and it was oddly touching.
and,
*my mom is in a commercial! she’s the blonde woman wearing glasses, sniffing some tomatoes & looking mildly crazed. ha ha ha. i just talked about it with mumzy last night & apparently the commercial was directed by morgan spurlock of “super size me” fame. also, the woman at the very end of the commercial, looking skeptical, is the new principal of my old high school. who knew? certainly not me.