last night, amanda & i were walking to 80’s night & we had the following conversation:
o: i totally want to stay sober tonight, but i was wondering, have i ever danced in public when i’m sober? [pause] i don’t think so. [pause] well, it’s been a really long time. i was thinking about how blahblah once confessed that she’s never made out while sober, and then yadayada said she never had either, with ANYONE, but i guess that makes sense because they’ve never been in a relationship. [pause] OH MY GOD!!!
o: you know how everyone always says, “i’m sleeping with this person…but i don’t know if we’re dating…what constitutes dating?” DATING IS WHEN YOU MAKE OUT WHEN YOU’RE SOBER!
a: oh my god, you’ve cracked the code!
and it’s true! i feel so defined. there is only one instance in my life where i’ve made out with someone i wasn’t dating while sober, and that was more coercion, loneliness & boredom more than anything.
incidentally, we went to 80’s night and stayed sober and danced way past the point of sweatiness and had an awesome time. the only real difference between dancing sober and dancing drunk is the fact that i felt way more awkward & insecure & i was way more conscious of everyone else around me than usual. there was a girl dancing near me who dressed & moved like a pal of mine who is dead & it was making me very upset, but also kinda happy, like i got to be around her again.
i think tonight i will decorate my carpal tunnel brace with stars. i think i will scrub my house with eco-friendly cleaning products while listening to mixtapes so old they’d be in middle school by now if they were people. it’s hard to think about the future when it feels like the world is ending, both in a large-scale way & on a personal bodily level, but i want so much. so many plans are hatching & i don’t know where to put them all.
i don’t think i will ever understand hipsters.