singing, laughing, crying, worrying, fucking, crying, worrying, cutting, pasting, writing, hugging, screaming, barfing, dancing, screaming, laughing, drinking, worrying, worrying, worrying. i have also laughed nearly as much as i have worried, so perhaps this isn’t quite as draconian as it seems when reduced to mere verbs.
last night a friend got emotional about my possible demise. i felt real bad for bringing it up. i didn’t mean to, it just kinda came out. then i went home where my ex made me cry for the first time in 7 years of friendship/dating, where she said all sorts of terrible things. all i wanted was a little support. after i screamed & cried & went off to my room to cry some more she came in & held me & apologized for being jerky, which is nice, i guess. still, i could hardly sleep, kept waking up overheated & not sure if it was the over-heat of two bodies crowded into one bed or something far more sinister. now i am at work feeling wrecked.
my horoscope keeps saying things like, “you’ve been having so much fun! enjoy it while you can, because things are going to get bad real soon”. my horoscope today says that i may get what i want, but it’s not what i need, and that i don’t have to fake being happy. my horoscope for tomorrow (when i am going to the doctor & hopefully get to the bottom of this freaking thing) “You must stay focused today as you push up against some of the same fears that previously held you back. The difference is that this time you are even more highly motivated to get it right. <b>A major shift is about to change everything,</b> so your clarity at this time is quite helpful in clearing the air.”
so vague, i know, so probably not even rooted in reality, but hard to not take seriously. a major shift could be really good or really bad & i am trying to tell myself that whatever happens i can get through it. it’s so weird, though, to stay hopeful when both my body & this planet are failing. yesterday sharon & amanda & i sat in my backyard reading zines, surrounded by my cute little hopeful plants & lots of other cute little hopeful plants growing in the cracks & i read a zine amanda’s boyfriend had gotten about how doing things like greywater & low-energy lightbulbs are just a way to placate ourselves because what we do doesn’t matter at all with factories & wars & landfills everywhere. it was hard. it’s hard to think that all this destruction is happening & yet huge plants are growing in the cracks. usually they give me hope but i am feeling very hopeless right now. the most important relaysh to me is being destroyed & i think it’s my fault, i think it’s because i brought her in my house & my house is truly where romance goes to die. not friendship, it seems, which is good because i have lots of great friends here & i don’t want to lose anyone else.