this past week has left me crazy, for no particular reason, which is perhaps the most maddening of all. sunday night i got too drunk, had a gigantic freak-out, worse than i’ve had in so long. years. bad things almost happened, or they would have had i the strength to crawl into the kitchen. luckily i just passed out in a bed that isn’t mine, and i didn’t feel good when i got up in the morning, but the really bad things had passed for a while.
i thought maybe i shouldn’t drink anymore; but last night i drank and it was mostly fine. yesterday i was okay for the most part, as long as i kept my lungs expanding to their fullest capacity. last night i drank, just a little bit, just enough to feel good and not enough to go straight down that slippery slope. before that i hung out in tiffini’s backyard with tiff, branden and aaryn. tiffini and branden lay like cats and i made everyone do a photoshoot with flowers and safari nets. i could see the very edge of the beautiful mountain sunset underneath the clouds. then to the bluest moon for a $4 long island iced tea, then to the thunderbird. i couldn’t sing the spin doctors because it was too crowded. a lil’ nerve-wracking, a little awkward, but ultimately fine.
& now? i am sleepy, i was woken up in the middle of the night and had a hard time going back to bed. the challenge of this particular time period, i think, is to learn to accept the things that i can’t fucking change. it’s hard though, especially from the vantage point of an empty house & empty bed. but really, what else am i gonna do?
the soul station is playing even better music than usual & this morning, before anyone came in, i was dancing so fucking hard. i love dancing, but i usually hold back because i’m embarrassed. i dance for real around eric g., my sibz, and amanda. and even more so when it’s just by myself. something about dancing in an empty law firm is just so fucking fun. so freeing, so magical. a little bit lonely, too, i’m not going to pretend otherwise. but also, really great.