i haven’t sung karaoke in a week, which means i haven’t screamed straight from the gut in a week. i am feeling the effects; screaming is very theraputic. one of my fave things to do back when i was at purchase & surrounded by woods was to organize group screams. i wish i had organized them on larger scales, like hundreds of people instead of just me and a handful of stressed-out friends. i am bored at work, sitting here making faces at my computer. it feels weird.

what things do you miss about your old life? my life changes frequently, so i have lots of old lives to think about. i miss stifling summers when i was a kid; i miss wandering around the supermarket with my mom to get cool. i miss the whole block (30+ people) getting into my neighbor’s small aboveground pool and it being so packed that nobody could move.

i miss the smell of a slightly sweaty girl in her bed (strangely, i don’t miss this actual girl much at all.) i miss the angle of my head while offering my cheek for a girlfriend-kiss, casually, while flipping a page on a book or stirring vegetables on the stove. i miss feeling the exact spot on my cheek that needed a kiss, & her finding it, and feeling better.

i miss cigarettes dangling from my lip. i miss everyone i stood in the cold or the heat with, coughing, smoking, talking. i miss dancing at gay clubs with eric. i miss screaming with kastoory, i miss dancing at the mall with nora, i miss laughing until we fall over with erin b. i miss doing stupid shit with my siblings.

what will i miss about this phase once i’ve moved on to something else? i think i will miss the way the vines creep up the side of my brick house. i will miss laying in the hammock at sunset surrounded by plants. i will miss the stacks of good books, the long quiet, the words everywhere, in every dimension. i will miss good music coming through scratchily on my clock radio while i work for hours and hours. i will miss the particular friends i have now & the way we all configure at this moment. i will miss the small adventures, the dance parties, the drunken nights, the loud conversations overheard by the wrong people, the river-sits.
i don’t want it to go away, but i know it will eventually. not necessarily to be replaced by something worse, but still, it will change. it always does.


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