i don’t care if they eat me alive. i’ve got better things to do than survive.

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i quit coffee, can you believe it? it was making my heart feel very uncomfortable every time i had more than a few sips, and making it beat irregularly too. i don’t have health insurance or tons of $ laying around for an ekg or anything like that, and my mom has a disease where she can’t drink coffee or her heart will go haywire. so i just quit coffee. cold turkey. i still drink green tea, even though it makes my heart a little race-y it’s not too bad. man! i am only twenty-six! and everyone who knows me knows how much i love my coffee.

but, i have to say, i am feeling a lot of clarity and peace that i don’t feel when i’m all caffiened-out. i do more dumb things in the morning, like sending emails that unintentionally offend people when i am just trying to explain, or losing shit at work, but once i’ve fully woken up i have lots of insight. lots of calm.

i am trying to embrace the heartbreak and pain that this year has brought me. it’s made room for a lot of other things, like growth & change. if all the fucked-up shit that happened this year hadn’t happened, i wouldn’t have written 65 pages in 7 months (!) because i would have been too busy having fun. well, i was too busy having fun in may, and my wrists hurt too bad to type much in march, but other than that i’ve been diligently trooping forward. and it feels so good! so much better than anything ever.

i think once i finish this book & get things moving with it, it might be time to start scouting for a new place to live. pittsburgh is great and i love everyone i know here, but i feel like my purpose in being here was to have a space where i could write this book, and i think if i stay for too much longer i will just stagnate. there are so many reasons to stay: easy life, cheap massage school?, good friends, good job (although it’s extremely tenuous and subject to end at literally any second due to my boss’ lousy health), vegetable gardens. and there are so many reasons to leave: new adventures, new inspirations, excitement. a fear of stagnation & permanency. & the dating pool here is rather dry. i am rather preoccupied with someone at the moment, but she’s a tough nut to crack & there is a huge barrier to us getting together. i am willing to overlook that barrier, but most people aren’t. i don’t think she’s willing to overlook it. she’s so cute & so awesome though, and i don’t know how to tell her. sigh.

oh, i don’t know. i know that every emotion i have is subject to change at any second, and i know that everything i write on the internet immediately contradicts itself once the “publish” button is hit. i know i’m a flighty aries, i know i will always be spiritually homeless. i thought that was over, but i don’t think it is; i don’t think it will ever be. as thomas builds-the-fire (or, i guess, sherman alexie) so brilliantly put it in one of my favorite short story ever (“this is what it means to say phoenix, arizona”), nothing ever stops.

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One response »

  1. “start scouting for a new place to live”

    *Scouting*? Hello! Big subconscious clue of where you want to be…me thinks you ought to return to the City by the Bay.

    p.s. I’ve been waiting to read a book by you since 2005! So I’m so happy to hear you are down for writing one!

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