fuck the past.

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i’m at work right now & there has been a big family bitchfest going on all day for the people i work for. lots of pointless bitching & adult-babiness delivered in a shrill voice that makes me want to crawl under my desk and hide. they tried to drag me into it at one point, but i hid in the bathroom until the fighting momentarily died down, and then went back into the conference room with my little notebook like nothing had happened. i’m very good at hiding.
god, families are so fucked up! i am feeling very triggered and nervous right now & i just want to go home but i need the $, plus it would be kind of awkward if i told my boss, “your daughter’s insanity makes me really nervous because i was raised by a pair of insane people and i haven’t quite worked out my issues with that, so i think i, like, need to go home and breathe deeply for a while and drink some stress relief tea & remind myself over & over again that i live somewhere safe now. okay?”
on a lighter note, thanksgiving was really good. i got super stressed & depressed the day before, but everything worked out fine. most of the food turned out well, people brought tasty shit, everyone i invited more or less got along, many laughs were had, colleen discovered a new hairstyle for me, and i had a lot of good conversations and generally felt the love. the day before thanksgiving i was super bummed about how different everything is this year, but the actual act of thanksgiving itself reminded me of all the new roads that are opening, that continue to open as we speak. reminded me of the amazingness i am capable of & the splendid people that i’ve met this year. & for real i am thankful, for so much. i don’t need a fucking holiday to remind me. i have two things to remind me every day to be thankful. one is that i saw one of my best friends die a lengthy, slow and terrible death. the most vital woman i ever knew; i saw her strength and will to live get sucked out week by week until there wasn’t anything left. thing number two is that i work with prisoners. i write to them and i work with a whole bunch of people on pre-release. & those two things shape me & remind me on even the suckiest most horrible days that my life & freedom are such a precious fucking gift & i have no right to waste them.
and with that, back to work…

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