kale dreams

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the other night i had a dream that i made a giant kale salad & left it with tiffini & eric v. while i went to a cupcake shop on gay street in manhattan (the cupcake shop doesn’t exist in real life). anyway, when i came back tiffini informed me that eric found a stem in his kale (and any kale lover will tell you that the stems are awful! chewable, indigestible, and they should be removed before cooking/eating, duh!) and threw it down and screamed, ”THIS RUINS EVERYTHING!” ha ha ha ha ha ha.
i’m working on my third zine this year! i have not put out three zines in a year since…uh…1997 maybe? and that was when i was fifteen and had no job and very few friends & i looked at school as a place where i could just read and write my own shit all day. i took easy classes that i didn’t pay attention in & just wrote wrote wrote. and read and gossiped and drew and watched a movie whenever the teacher showed a movie. i hated school and it made me miserable, but by looking at it as an extended, sucky picnic, or a writer’s colony, or a roving office, made it somewhat bearable. i couldn’t do anything at home because it was too chaotic and my flow was always disrupted by some insane fight or parental breakdown or some other thing. not that school wasn’t chaotic, or that nobody fought, but it usually involved me a lot less. you know?
anyway, working on zine #3 of 2008, on top of working & writing a novel & living. wow! my extreme productivity this year is due almost entirely to the insane fear of dying that has taken over my life. or, more specifically, the insane fear that i will die before i say what i need to say. but, again, i worry if i say too much, i will say what i’ve been put on earth to say, and since it will be accomplished i will be killed immediately. what a catch-22, right? (incidentally, “catch-22” is the name of a bar my dad used to drink at all day. isn’t that a depressing name for a bar full of alcoholics? he still drinks there all day, but the name has been changed to “the coach”.)
why did it take me so long to discover pavement? (the band, not the material we walk on) they’re so good!

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