like flies on shit.

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lately i’ve been having weird interactions with people who have wished me great harm in the past and caused lots of problems for me. first of all, i found out that somebody who (to put it extremely lightly) i’ve had issues with in the past has found out about this blog & is possibly reading it. this makes me feel extremely censored on my own blog, because i don’t want this person knowing anything about me, my daily life, what i think about, etc. i realize that’s one of the perils of having a public blog, but it still makes me feel massively unsafe in my own space. if that’s you, i’d really appreciate it if you’d respect my boundaries & not read this thing (or my zines, but i guess if you already have them there’s not much i can do about that). this is all just a hunch, but one that haunts me nonetheless.
yesterday i was riding my bike to the library to spend a little quality time before my stupid-ass second job, and i saw someone ELSE who, to put it lightly, i had issues with. she was a pregnant teen squatter who stayed at my ex-girlfriend’s house for several months, and was so incredibly mean and manipulative and fucked-up that two people moved out & i had a nervous breakdown. of course, my ex cared way more about helping out random punx than she did about her own housemates’ and girlfriend’s mental health and safety, and during the numerous house meetings held about whether or not to kick this girl out, she always blocked consensus. so instead of kicking this girl out in october, before things came to a head, when it was still warm out and she was only 4 months pregnant, she wound up getting kicked out in january, when it was freezing & she was seven months pregnant & a lot of words had been yelled & a lot of tears had been spilled & i was in a near-state of catatonia. my girl axi saved the day for me there & i will always be grateful for that & for her.
needless to say, pregnant teen squatter girl hates us (by “us” i mean me and axi. i don’t know if she even knows that axi is dead.) a lot, and in some ways i don’t blame her. i haven’t seen her since then, which was january 2004, and yesterday i saw her walking with her kid in front of the library. i don’t know if she recognized me, cuz i was wearing a bike helmet & i look hella different, but i sure as hell recognized her. i literally jumped, involuntarily, and almost fell off my bike. she looked old (she’s 22 now), and tired, and crazy, in that order. i felt really bad for her, and all of the old anger was gone, replaced by a deep, deep sadness for her and her fucked-up life and all the impossible choices that impoverished, abused, mentally ill women are forced to make in this shitty goddamn world. i looked back at her. she didn’t look back at me. i don’t know if she knows i live in pittsburgh now. i knew she was here. i’ve heard rumors about how she’s abusing her kid & how she’s trying to get him taken away from the other parent. the other parent is trans & this girl is playing up the transphobia of the court system to deny the other parent custody. i was hoping that, like eminem, having someone (aka her kid) that genuinely loved her–just one person–would change her life deeply. i know it’s not that simple, and i know it’s a naive thing to wish, but i wished it anyway.

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