the following things happened at work today

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1. immediately upon arrival had to clean up some goopy diarrhea-esque dog shit from the front step

2. it smelled awful even after i cleaned it (FUCK YOU DOGS OF LAWRENCEVILLE AND YOUR STUPID NEGLECTFUL OWNERS!!!!!!!!!!) so i dumped some baking soda on it

3. my boss’ driver, a mild-mannered middle-aged xtian lady, saw the baking soda and said, “geez! it looks like somebody spilled a bag of cocaine on your front step!”

4. while i was at lunch with nate we spotted a tough guy wearing a sleeveless neon green shirt. i said, “whoa, look at that guy!” and he totally heard me! we had a good laugh over that but i felt bad too.

5. a client, a very charming old-ish lady who’s really being put through the wringer, came to my desk and said, “can you type a letter for me?” i said sure. she said, “dear creditors: [her name] is tired of dealing with you. she has a cough, nausea, and upset stomach. please don’t bother her anymore.” she asked me to read it back and said, “better put in diarrhea, too.” then, with a flourish, she lit up a cigarette and i had to ask her politely not to smoke in the office.

6. she came back from her smoke break clutching a gigantic (like 3′ tall) teddy bear (guess where that came from). upon her request, i put it in an empty seat in the conference room, much to everyone’s delight.

7. a certain crazy store-owner whose name i will not mention was yelling, to no one in particular, “do you like baby dolls? do you like baby dolls?” i’m pretty sure she was talking to someone walking by, but the early-20’s law clerk dude answered, in the most scared and uncertain voice ever, “yes?”

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