lately i’ve been so sad and so anxious. hardly anything makes me happy & social situations just make me want to die. i mean, more than usual. on thursday i went to 80’s night with amanda, ray & nate, and amanda called some guy racist after he called a bouncer a nigger, and he was like, “fuck you!” and she was like, “it’s 2010! go read a fucking book!” and we all laughed, and he said something like, “yeah, you’ll really be laughing when i slice your fucking face, bitch.” we then went inside, danced, i was overcome with anxiety & had to leave. partially just being around lots of people and having them look at me, but i also remembered past confrontations with scary guys. i don’t think amanda’s ever had a situation turn ugly, like i have, so i guess she doesn’t have that fear. was i ever free of that fear? i don’t remember. anyway, i had to leave. when i got outside that guy was still there. he’d been waiting in the cold for almost 2 hours. i knew, in that way you just know, when i made eye contact with him, that he was waiting for her. so i ran back in and told her and then i tried to leave again but the bouncer said some guy was getting arrested out front, so i couldn’t. and then i felt better.
i had a lot more bad social interactions that week. i cried a lot. i felt like shit. i haven’t been this way in a while. i could blame the snow & the cold but it’s only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
valentine’s day was 90% awesome and 10% painful and heart-wrenching. i am, of course, focusing on the 10% right now but i can’t really talk about it in this forum so i will tell you about the 90% awesome. i had a long talk with ray and o’ryan, danced in the kitchen with ray to “u can’t touch this”, got two heart-shaped pizzas, and then hung out in o’ryan’s room for hours as amanda, heather, kelsey and i got heart-shaped pizza tattoos.
here is the story behind that: valentine’s day 2008, my first in pittsburgh, amanda proposed that we get a heart-shaped pizza and then have a party on the millvale ave. bridge, which had just re-opened. so amanda, kyle, heather and i did just that. it was a lot of fun and next year we decided to do it again. valentine’s day 2009, amanda, heather, ray, edmond and i did the same things as valentine’s day ’08, but to step it up we got another heartshaped pizza and delivered it to amanda’s various crushes in the neighborhood. and so for valentine’s day ’10, we were like, “how can we step it up a notch?” and one day i exclaimed, “HEART SHAPED PIZZA TATTOOS!!!” and we actually fucking did it. they look great, o’ryan’s a talented tattoo artist. i would love to show yinz a picture, but the only pictures i have are shitty and ray’s computer refuses to recognize my camera anyway. so you’ll have to wait.
tomorrow i start a new job. my whole life is going to be so different at this time next week, i just know it. whether it’s for the better or the worse remains to be seen, but i needed a change, and i got it, and i’m trying to remain strong, no matter what happens.