Monthly Archives: February 2010

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work is better. i can never think of good subject headings for this blog anymore. truly, i have hardly anything to say anymore. entering a period of dormancy. it happens every few years, and it’s been a long time coming this time. the usual riot of thought & expression has subdued itself into a dull roar.
what am i up to? i’m not sure. i don’t know if i can say it here. and, for now, i have to go catch my bus.

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so. i started my new job and it’s already all kinds of fucked up. there are upsides, like finally fucking earning a living wage & getting benefits (the benefits don’t kick in till june 1, though) for the first time in my adult life. (incidentally, today is the 9 year anniversary of moving out of my mom’s house & thereby beginning my adult life. hurray!)
for those who don’t know, i work for a local version of c*hild pr0tective $ervices [it’s very important that this not come up on google, hence the stupid spelling]. the actual work i do is very easy and low-stress, filling out forms, mailing things, etc., for more money than i’ve ever gotten. super, right? i mostly work directly with a bunch of very nice (if very normal) middle aged women who’ve been super sweet to me.
but the social workers. oh my god, the social workers. mostly a bunch of really privileged young white kids who don’t fucking know anything about the people they’re “trying” to “help”. who have never been in a desperate situation before. don’t even get me started on them.
yesterday i was having an okay day until this social worker came back with a 2-day-old baby that she’d taken from her mom while breastfeeding. the baby came back to the office because there was nowhere else to put her, i guess. everyone in the office, social workers & clerical staff alike, crowded around, making a big fuss about the baby (who, incidentally, was very cute). they were laughing about this woman. “ha, i guess she thought she could keep this one! she thought wrong!” “why did she think she could keep her own kid. she’s stupid” etc. etc. apparently, this baby was taken from this woman because she had a history of being a drunk–not because she had actually done anything to this particular baby.
and yeah, i don’t know the whole story, what she’s done to “deserve” this. maybe it is deserved, i don’t know. but seeing all these people talk about this woman, as her baby woke up and screamed for its mom who isn’t there, and was rocked by a social worker with terrible hair who thinks this baby’s mom is a completely subhuman piece of shit–well. i couldn’t react, but when i got home i cried and cried and cried, my boyfriend asking what was wrong & rubbing my back & i couldn’t get the words out, couldn’t breathe right, it took so many minutes of snot and tears before i could talk. and even then, i couldn’t really talk. couldn’t really convey what actually happened.
now i am at the warm safe library feeling totally crazy. reminding myself not to cry. don’t fucking cry anymore. don’t. i don’t particularly like children & i wasn’t expecting to be affected this deeply by what goes on there. thought my last job was as morally bankrupt as i’d ever have to deal with. guess i thought wrong.
so. i’m gonna wait six months to get off probationary period & after that i can bid out to just about any office in the county that has an opening. go work for the department of health or something. thinking about my friends who spend years in solitary confinement cells, surely i can make it six months. surely, i can make it out. right?

two amazing things i didn’t mention in last post.

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partially because one of them hadn’t happened yet.
1. on saturday night i had the privilege of seeing a man dressed as sarah palin pull an american flag out of his ass. after an amazing drag performance, he put a folded up tarp on the floor, bent over a little (facing the audience sideways) and pulled a rolled-up american flag (stuffed in a condom) from his butt. the audience went wild, and honestly i don’t think i’ll ever be the same (in a good way).

2. so, today i am at my employment orientation, and i had to go into the county courthouse because the payroll office is located there. i had to get my backpack x-rayed to enter the courthouse. i had totally forgotten that i had a vibrator in my backpack (whatever, it comes in handy, especially when you & yr lover don’t live in the same house!). two tough lady security guards were watching the x-ray machine.
one of them, with a big smile on her face, asked a co-worker, “now, what do you think THIS item is?”
the other security guard said, jokingly, “it’s a shank!”
the first security guard said, “that ain’t no shank!” and they both burst into giggles. and i KNOW they were talking about my vibe.
even more hilariously, this is like the third or fourth time this has happened to me! i just can’t stop bringing vibrators to courthouses and airports. oh fucking well.

there was an exodus of birds in the trees, because they didn’t know we were only pretending.

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lately i’ve been so sad and so anxious. hardly anything makes me happy & social situations just make me want to die. i mean, more than usual. on thursday i went to 80’s night with amanda, ray & nate, and amanda called some guy racist after he called a bouncer a nigger, and he was like, “fuck you!” and she was like, “it’s 2010! go read a fucking book!” and we all laughed, and he said something like, “yeah, you’ll really be laughing when i slice your fucking face, bitch.” we then went inside, danced, i was overcome with anxiety & had to leave. partially just being around lots of people and having them look at me, but i also remembered past confrontations with scary guys. i don’t think amanda’s ever had a situation turn ugly, like i have, so i guess she doesn’t have that fear. was i ever free of that fear? i don’t remember. anyway, i had to leave. when i got outside that guy was still there. he’d been waiting in the cold for almost 2 hours. i knew, in that way you just know, when i made eye contact with him, that he was waiting for her. so i ran back in and told her and then i tried to leave again but the bouncer said some guy was getting arrested out front, so i couldn’t. and then i felt better.
i had a lot more bad social interactions that week. i cried a lot. i felt like shit. i haven’t been this way in a while. i could blame the snow & the cold but it’s only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
valentine’s day was 90% awesome and 10% painful and heart-wrenching. i am, of course, focusing on the 10% right now but i can’t really talk about it in this forum so i will tell you about the 90% awesome. i had a long talk with ray and o’ryan, danced in the kitchen with ray to “u can’t touch this”, got two heart-shaped pizzas, and then hung out in o’ryan’s room for hours as amanda, heather, kelsey and i got heart-shaped pizza tattoos.
here is the story behind that: valentine’s day 2008, my first in pittsburgh, amanda proposed that we get a heart-shaped pizza and then have a party on the millvale ave. bridge, which had just re-opened. so amanda, kyle, heather and i did just that. it was a lot of fun and next year we decided to do it again. valentine’s day 2009, amanda, heather, ray, edmond and i did the same things as valentine’s day ’08, but to step it up we got another heartshaped pizza and delivered it to amanda’s various crushes in the neighborhood. and so for valentine’s day ’10, we were like, “how can we step it up a notch?” and one day i exclaimed, “HEART SHAPED PIZZA TATTOOS!!!” and we actually fucking did it. they look great, o’ryan’s a talented tattoo artist. i would love to show yinz a picture, but the only pictures i have are shitty and ray’s computer refuses to recognize my camera anyway. so you’ll have to wait.
tomorrow i start a new job. my whole life is going to be so different at this time next week, i just know it. whether it’s for the better or the worse remains to be seen, but i needed a change, and i got it, and i’m trying to remain strong, no matter what happens.

standing outside a broken payphone with change in my hand

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or actually, i’m sitting inside an empty library with a sandwich in my bag. i thought the library would be packed with lawrencevillians eager to escape their houses & get on the interweb, but no, it’s just me and a few stragglers and some disgruntled library staff.
pittsburgh has been under a blanket of snow for almost a week and at first it was nice but lately it’s been wearing on me. i’ve gone sledding twice. first with the lawrenceville gayz and some rowdy teens. the second time was with amanda, jude and ray. we slid down on cardboard and shrieked and then when we were tired we sat in the snow, drank a soda i’d found in a snowbank, and talked about cities and homeownership and where we came from. it was nice.
the night before i sat with some ladies who intimidate me with their passion and brilliance. we’d all come to the blue moon (local gay bar, for those not in the know) to watch rupaul’s drag race and wound up staying until closing, talking passionately. ray danced shirtless on the stripper pole and we all cheered. it was a good night, even if it left me lonely and sad and so, so tired.
i can’t shake this tired & this hungry lately. i know i’m tired because leaving the house involves lots of aerobic activity, there’s no such thing as a simple stroll to work. it feels like life has always been like this, like this is all i’ve ever known.
things are changing. tomorrow is my last day of work ever at morton’s, thank goddess. i’ve been there for 2.25 years, tied with CVS as my longest-held job ever. i’m starting a new job at CYF on the north side on tuesday. holy shit! full time, benefits, commuting, etc. i’m pretty nervous but hopefully it’ll be okay. in any event, i’m currently doing nothing with my life, so fulltime employment isn’t the creativity cockblock that it once would have been.
i would have written more, but i had to spend a lot of my internet time blocking the many hairy-armpit fetishists on flickr that have favorited pictures of me where you can see my pitz. what the fuck? even creepier is the fact that i know a decent amount of women in these pics. the hairy-armpit world of north america is a small one, i suppose.

thick snowflakes & angst.

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hi everyone. i’m sad, i’m ending my second-to-last week at my job (believe me, it can’t end fast enough) and watching the gigantic snowflakes fall past my window. they’re really pretty. missing people that i can’t ever get back. you know.

since i have nothing to say that is appropriate for this forum, i will list the most hilarious google search terms that people have used to find this blog:

1. deep wounds that won’t heal on the butt
2. fucking a unicorn
3. i want in bla blah
4. “ocean capewell” ray [wtf? ray is my boyfriend’s name. are people stalking the amount of times i write about him or something?]
5. “favorite destiny’s child quote”
6. indecent
7. rainbow cupcake tattoo
8. dyke tattoos.

please enjoy the snowstorm. and thanks for reading.