today i went to this really jacked-up estate sale with alyssa and ray. it was a seriously trashed house with piles and piles of things, like literally a stack of 10 VCRs, probably about 12 desks, etc. hoarders to the extreme, and the house felt so creepy, you could tell something really, really bad had happened there.
anyway, while i was waiting for ray to finish fussing about every thing in the house, i was reading a notebook i’d found. it was just periodically dated lists, each with the heading “what has been happening?”. they were things like, “____________ is a brat” or “__________ didn’t get me anything for my birthday.”
anyway. i do not want to recreate any part of that creepy house in my life. so i don’t think i’ll make a list. but. a lot has been happening & at the same time, nothing has.
i’m pretty much committed to quitting my job in september and riding my bike to DC (there’s a trail that goes almost all the way from pgh to dc!) with my boyfriend, hang out in DC for a little bit, and ride home. hopefully at some point in this journey i will figure out what the fuck to do with myself. because i can’t keep living like this. my job makes me so, so miserable. like, i cry in the bathroom at least once a week. & i feel kinda guilty for quitting, but, by september i should have enough $ saved up to live off of for a while, and, and, i need to live my life. not hold out waiting for next year because who the fuck knows if we even have a next year.
my best friend kastoory came to visit me and we had such a great fucking time, so wonderful & loving, like how most people probably feel when they see their families. i was talking to her about this, saying how i wanted to do it but also how afraid i am, and she said, “but ocean, you’ve ALWAYS had a job. you are one of those people who can always make it work. i have complete faith that you can come back here and find something. plus, you really need a fucking break!” and i needed someone to say that to me, so much. it was so nice to hear.
we had all sorts of other fun, too, but it probably wouldn’t be interesting to hear. i made a really good spinach/mushroom lasagna and we watched zsa zsa gabor’s exercise video from the 90’s (yes, i own it–long and hilarious story). i don’t know, it was just a really good weekend, really fulfilling and recharging.
ever since i made the decision to quit, work has been a lot better. but every time i think, “oh, this ain’t so bad!” then something really terrible will happen again. mostly i don’t know what i will tell anyone. but whatevs.
also, ray & i are going to toronto over july 4 weekend! so excited, for the toronto zine library & the women/trans bathhouse and the prospect of not being in amerika for independence day, because i am feeling even more bummed about amerika than usual these dayz. tomorrow is pride and i was thinking about making a sign with oil-soaked BP birds that said “THESE BIRDS CAN’T GET MARRIED EITHER–WHY NOT FIGHT FOR THEM?” but i feel like it makes so little sense as to not be worth hauling it all day. like, it makes sense to me, in my head, but maybe not too much to anyone else.
pictures! taken by caldwell.
this is one of the very few pics of myself that doesn’t make me wanna die. ray looks pretty nutty, but he’s had a haircut since this pic was taken, so he looks way less nutty!