and we were just trying to make something beautiful.

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hi. i am drunk, freshly home, 2:03 in the morning. did i tell you that i am drinking again? i still get letters about the zine i did two years ago, where i talked about being sober & being single, and it’s so the opposite of where i am. i live with my boyfriend and i drink again; but here’s the thing. i know, for a fact, that i am better off alone, even though i love my partner, even though i acknowledge all the ways he’s bettered my life (and the few ways he’s fucked it up, i can acknoweldge those and still, somehow, love) and still miss those days before him, alone in my teal room on a twinsize bed, surrounded by words, living for words and art and activism and love. i miss those days, and i have been trying to relive them, going on adventures by myself, riding my bike long ways alone at night. i almost had an affair this week, with a straight boy (and oh how weird that is, how embarrasssing almost) and it didn’t work out but it made me realize how great it is to be queer, to make our own rules, to be fiercely autonomous and independent always,
i forgot who i was, i forgot for so long, but riding my bike home drunk i thought, it’s a good day to die, it’s a good day to die, not because i want to die but because i want to be brave again. i was brave for so long, and then it was easier not to be, but then i realized that’s not who i am. i’m not meant for safe, for nice, for easy. i have been having adventures lately, sweet times with friends, grated curry beet tacos that are so fucking good i want to eat them every day forever. remember new york? remember those long hours? remember feeling passionate about anything, about everything, outside of your own constrained life?
my boyfriend is watching “six feet under” and i am having a hard time typing because i am trying to plug my ears and hum so i don’t have to hear that boring, annoying dialogue. i loathe that show, and i know many of you (the “you” that read my blog, i’m imagining like five people) like that show. i guess i don’t care, i hate it. here are some other things/beings/people that i hate that most people like: youtube, dogs, gin, children, facebook, the institution of marriage, i can’t think of anything else but i know this list is much longer, time for bed.

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