make a little money, take a lot of shit. feel real bad, then get over it.

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i just re-read that drunk blog post, and i was impressed by how non-embarrassing it was. a little on the intense side, maybe revealing things that i wouldn’t normally, but i didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. i didn’t even really have any typos, and i am delighted that there is an editor who lives deep within my brain that never gets drunk or falls asleep at the switch!
yesterday i went to a haunted hayride with a bunch of loud queerz about 1/2 an hour outside of pgh. a lot of the ghouls/spooks/poltergeists/what-have-you who worked there were making fun of our gender identities. mostly it was really confusing. one person called robin (cute, tough alterna-butch with nary a shred of facial hair) “a bearded lady with a six-foot beard.” even more confusingly, some guy told jen that she reminded him of “one of those guys who takes birth control pills to fit into his skinny jeans.” it’s like, WTF??!? what does that even mean?
somebody else went up to jen a little later and said, in a “spooky”, witch-like voice, “i can’t tell if you’re a boy or a girl!” to which jen replied, in a calm, sassy, friendly voice: “i have no problem with that!” then the spook said something else, i forget what exactly, but it was along the same lines as her previous comment. and jen said, “seriously, whatever gender you want to perceive me as is fine with me. i really don’t care.” disappointed, the spook went on to look for someone else to heckle.
some of the peeps in attendance had been at the protest against accused rapist ben rothlisberger earlier that day, and said they also received lots of confusing insults all day, like “get a job!” and “you’re losers, i’m a WINNER!” and even “whoooo! PITTSBURGH!!!!!” screamed in their faces by people who were wasted at 11 AM. but, like at the haunted hayride, the insults weren’t that insulting because they were just confusing. because we’re in a different world sometimes.
the last time i saw moe bowstern she was talking about how she spends a lot of time in spaces that are really alien to her, and so her way of dealing with it is simply to pretend that she’s an alien, and think to herself, “oh, isn’t this an interesting planet? and aren’t these interesting people, even though their motivations and desires are totally different than mine?” i’m paraphrasing, of course, and don’t really remember the point that i was trying to make with all this.
maybe here’s the point: a combination of last night + reading alice walker at lunch today made me knocked over with emotion, with love & pride for people who aren’t afraid to be radical. made me remember that even though i spend every day being told that i am wrong for everything i do, in a million subtle ways; even though everything feels so hopeless; even though all the clothing companies and magazines and TV shows say that i am not a woman, that i’m doing it all wrong, even, even after that: i am not fucking ashamed of myself for being who i am, and how i am. i wish i could write specifically what that felt like, after so long spent apologetic & quiet this year. but. i can’t show you, only tell, that it was fucking amazing, and if you haven’t had a revelation like that yet, i hope you have one soon.

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One response »

  1. for some reason, the “bearded lady with a six-foot beard” thing really made me laugh. i wish there was some way i could work that kind of remark into my everyday life without maligning anyone’s gender identity or making them feel insecure. i am just imagining a bunch of punks on a hayride, & some kid dressed as a skeleton or something says that & it’s a very WTF ZZ top moment.

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