so, like, 15 years ago i was really good zine friends with this girl who lived in tuolumne county, CA, and she would publish bits from her local police blotter and they were utterly hysterical. and, like, 10 years ago i was visiting her (although i wasn’t allowed to stay with her cuz her parents are xtian and i’m an obvious queer. hmph. but i had a damn good time staying with her friend & the friend’s fam on a llama farm with a trampoline!) and came across the paper and LOVED it. and, like, 5 years ago i was randomly thinking about it and found it online and my girlfriend-at-the-time and i became obsessed with this odd police blotter, not sure if it’s the weirdness of the residents or if the person writing this blotter just has a special touch for the absurd, but either way it’s genius.
yesterday i was randomly thinking about this blotter and i had some nothin’-to-do time at work. here is the best police blotter items of the past month, copy-n-pasted just for you, dear reader. sorry if this is long! but i will always love this silly thing. or, as team dresch so brilliantly put it, “sometimes i can’t remember why i wanna live. but then i think of all the freaks, and i don’t wanna miss this.”
8:58 a.m., Sonora — A man reported that his neighbors have been harassing him about the way he treats his horses in the 15900 block of Morris Road.
1:52 p.m., Columbia — A woman was seeking advice on how to prevent her defiant grandson from running away. An officer told the boy to listen to his mother and grandmother.
9:08 a.m., San Andreas — A disturbing Facebook message was reported at the Sheriff’s Office on Mountain Ranch Road.
12:26 p.m., Copperopolis — Food was thrown all over a house on Sanguinetti Court.
9:22 p.m., attempted theft — A caller said a man wearing a red hat attempted to steal a bottle from a store on West Stockton Road. The man was arrested and said another person driving a white car was involved.
5:13 p.m., Jamestown — Two people arrived at the Humane Society shelter on the 10000 block of Victoria Place to adopt a dog, but when they were told they would have to come back tomorrow, they parked their car and took off running. When police arrived on the scene, the two were returning from a nearby creek covered in dirt and carrying shovels and digging equipment. The two said they were looking for gold. They were advised not to park at the shelter or jump the fence to the creek.
12:05 p.m., Twain Harte — A man was acting like a monkey, picking up rocks and acting like he was going to throw them at a woman and her family on the 17900 block of Robin Road.
9:02 a.m., Groveland — A home owner in the 19300 block of Pleasant View Drive thought his house had been burglarized. It turned out his brother-in-law had just entered the home to drop off some gifts.
4:51 p.m., San Andreas — Someone threw a skateboard at a caller’s vehicle on Gold Strike Road.
2:10 a.m., public intoxication — A man reported to be passed out inside the post office on South Washington Street turned out not to be drunk. He cleaned up the beer he spilled and left with two others who were in the post office. [I guess he was just pleasantly buzzed?]
10:24 a.m., traffic accident — A patient from a health and wellness clinic on South Forest Road hit seven parked cars and a fence while driving. No injuries were reported.
3:10 p.m., Sonora area — Five people were fighting at Phoebe Lane and Cedar Road North, and at least one had a bloody mouth.
8:02 a.m., Crystal Falls —A man on the 22100 block of Crystal Falls Drive said someone uprooted his mailbox and displaced several decorative rocks.
10:38 p.m., theft —A male patient at the hospital on Greenley Road allegedly wandered off with an expensive piece of equipment attached to him.
4:16 p.m., Jamestown — A man allegedly kicked in the headlights of a vehicle at Sixth Avenue and Eighth Street, threw a tantrum, and took off his shirt.
2:55 a.m., Tuolumne —A woman was advised to invest in a better disguise after she was discovered trespassing at the casino on the 19400 block of Tuolumne Road North. According to Sheriff’s logs, the woman had been previously issued an indefinite exclusion from the casino, but returned in a disguise. The disguise failed and she was escorted out of the business. [I love how the real crime is that her disguise was bad, not that she was trespassing!!]
5:09 p.m., Twain Harte —A man reportedly drove his truck into a snow bank on the 22600 block of Twain Harte Drive and then got out of the vehicle, stared at everyone around and “took off running,” down Twain Harte Drive.
12:39 p.m., suspicious circumstances —A man on North Stewart Street said a woman was at his fence doing “voodoo.”
12:12 p.m., West Point —A caller reported a man on Jurs Road standing outside talking to the snow.
11:39 a.m., Sonora area — A plastic 8-by-10-inch envelope with “To Law Enforcement” written on the outside was found outside a building on the 1000 block of Morning Star Drive. It turned out to be a letter, which was thrown in the trash.
12:10 p.m., Tuolumne —A group of juveniles allegedly placed Twinkies in the road and watched cars run them over on Carter Street at Buchanan Road.
5:29 p.m., Don Pedro —Two men got into an argument over dirtbike riding on the 2500 block of Merced Falls Road. One man apparently tried to put out a cigarette on the other man’s face, and the other man allegedly responded by punching the first man in the face.
6:06 a.m., Valley Springs — A naked man in a baseball cap was reportedly running around McAtee Street at Baldwin Street.
11:56 a.m., pedestrian check — A transient reportedly passed out on Sanguinetti Road turned out to be sober and waiting for a bus.
4:48 p.m., prank calls — An employee at a business on the 1100 block of Sanguinetti Road reported phone calls from people claiming to be the police looking for an escaped convict.
5:08 p.m., suspicious circumstances — Police arrived on South Barretta Street to find that what an anonymous caller reported to be a group of 30-year-olds smoking marijuana was actually a family barbecue.
7:41 a.m., Jamestown — Two turkeys were chasing cars on Campo Seco Road at Campbells Flat Road.
12:22 a.m., assault — A person on Mono Way pushed a television into another’s hand, causing it to bleed. The reporting party declined to press charges.
8:48 a.m., vandalism — Letters on the marquee of a school on the 800 block of Greenley Road were rearranged to spell foul language.
1:48 p.m., suspicious circumstances — A man in a green dress shirt was running by the police department toward Coffill Park. Police determined the man was just looking for his girlfriend.
9:11 a.m., Jamestown — A woman was making death threats at a veterinary office on the 13500 block of Lone Bend Road. When officers contacted the woman, she appeared calm and said the situation had been exaggerated. The woman complained that the staff didn’t do all they could to treat her terminally ill cat.
10:33 p.m., Don Pedro — A woman reported that a tree just came through the roof of her house in the 1900 block of Zarzamora Street.
2:12 p.m., hurt dog — A large dog appeared to be injured and was lying in down on Maple Street. It turned out the dog wasn’t hurt, “but was just old.” The owner took him back home.
8:14 p.m., free coffee — A man threw a coffee cup onto a woman’s car while she was in the drive-through lane of a business on Old Wards Ferry Road. [italics mine!!]
3:43 p.m., Valley Springs — One juvenile pulled the screen off of a window and climbed into a residence on Kirby Street, then opened the door for two other juveniles. Officers determined that the juvenile lives there.
6:35 a.m., Twain Harte — A woman was walking east along Highway 108 wearing pajamas and no shoes.
11:52 a.m., Sonora area — A buffalo was ramming into cars at Murphy and Lime Kiln roads. The owners were on their way to retrieve the animal.
12:05 p.m., Jamestown — A man was hiding in a tree in a woman’s yard and acting strangely on the 18500 block of Jamestown Road.
9:03 p.m., Twain Harte — Two women were fighting over a candle on the 22700 block of Black Hawk Drive.
11:03 a.m., Columbia — A woman on the 22600 block of Valley Quail Road reported that she was told her trailer had been demolished.
11:23 a.m., Sonora area — Someone saw a man in a gold truck who appeared to be grinding on a bell on Mount Brown Road and Shaws Flat Road. Officers determined the bell had not been tampered with. (??!?)
11:43 a.m., East Sonora — A man woke up to find a bag of walnuts on his porch on the 14600 block of Mono Way. The man didn’t know who left the walnuts, and was afraid there was a bomb in the bag or that the nuts were poisoned.
11:36 p.m., Jamestown — Four men were drinking and making noise while fishing at a marina on Jacksonville Road. When approached by an officer, the men agreed it was a good time to go home.
4:17 p.m., suspicious circumstances — Someone reported seeing a man with tattoos and a pony tail slashing at the hood of a Toyota Corolla while its car alarm was going off in a parking lot on Sanguinetti Road.
12:50 a.m., Jamestown — A resident reported loud music being played in the 10100 block of Peppermint Circle. The person responsible for the music was playing a piano-organ and said he didn’t know the noise carried so far and agreed to stop playing.
8:23 a.m., East Sonora — Someone posted harassing signs outside a church on the 13700 block of Joshua Way.
10:09 a.m., Sonora — A caller reported that during a meeting a marijuana pipe fell to the ground in front of a group of employees. It was unclear who owned the pipe. The caller was told that it is not illegal for an adult to possess a pipe.
12:17 p.m., Jamestown — An officer stopped a person for staggering down Seventh Street near Ninth Avenue. The man said he was looking at his MP3 player.
4:39 p.m., Jamestown — A 79-year-old woman was bleeding from the eye in the 24400 block of Quarter Horse Drive. The woman refused to give her name and wanted to take the “fifth.”
7:17 p.m., Jamestown — A woman reported that she is being harassed by an unknown traveling entertainment company on the 10700 block of Wigwam Road. The woman said that since she moved to Tuolumne County she thinks some people are playing pranks on her and wanted to know what to do.
10:04 p.m., strange behavior — A man wearing glasses and a baseball cap was approaching people in front of a business on Greenley Road. The man was telling them he has dead bodies in his vehicle and is looking for a place to dump them. Police determined the man was suffering from a delusional disorder and was asked to leave the area.
10:09 p.m., marijuana smoking — Two females and one male were smoking marijuana behind a business on South Washington Street. One of the people was playing a guitar.