what have i been doing lately? i hardly remember. i’ve been spending much of my time sitting at the welfare office, writing on people’s applications in a careful hand. notes. approved or rejected. pink or purple ink makes me feel less automated. i got in trouble this week because i, and this is a direct quote, “use [my] own judgment too much.” instead of, i guess, being a welfare robot bleeping out policy. instead of thinking these forms are just forms and not filled out by real human beings, with real lives, in real trouble. guess what? i’m not a policy robot, i’m a fucking human being, and as much as my job encourages me to not see the humanity in others i won’t do it. and if i do, it’s probably time to bite the cyanide capsule.
bruce springsteen on my headphones, crooning into both ears, “the whole world’s out there, just trying to score. i’ve seen enough, don’t wanna see anymore,” with such passion and intensity that it both comforts and hurts me. hurts because i wish i had shared it with the one person who would have got it in the same way that i get it, but i didn’t know that song then. & she’s still alive, still theoretically part of my life, but i can’t call her up and say, “listen to this,” i can’t make her a mix cd because it would just be weird now, and the urge to share it with her is so strong, literally a physical ache. but there’s nothing i can do about it.
in my heart, all day, i am riding my bike thru the streets of philly in the early-to-mid 2000’s, i am on a greyhound bus in montana, i am naked, i am kissing, i am saying what i wanted to say but didn’t. i am not there; listening to my co-workers’ depressing chatter about gender [seriously makes me want to die!] or their kids or how they need to lose weight. i am not there.
exactly two months from today, barring any unforseen disasters, i will be on a plane headed to paris. !!! after that, who knows.
last night i had amanda & stephanie over for dinner and i told them this story from my youth that i don’t feel like repeating here. amanda said, “i can’t believe you found your own strength, for so long,” and it was a beautiful moment, having that seen & validated, & i’m writing it here so i can remember it. mostly i’m just tired and numb these days, exhausted, nothing makes sense, it’s all a blur.