sometimes i really, really, really wish that i had put some thought into how hard it would be to lose both my home & my partner at the same time. in the month-and-a-half between breaking up & moving out, i never once considered staying. i knew i had to leave. but now that i am where i am, on the other side of the river, in a weird apartment with no bathtub and no backyard, in a cheap apartment that’s flaking and bubbling and cracking, in a neighborhood i have no connection to, i realize what a grave mistake i have made. and there’s no undoing it. there is absolutely no going back.
today i am bleeding and i want to take a bath. i want to soak my body in my clawfoot bathtub with sunshine streaming through the window. i want to feel that comfort. i want to sit in the garden again.
mostly, i just want to go home. and there is absolutely nothing i can do to get back there.
of course, i remember when i was there, i laid in the bath and cried until i hyperventilated. it wasn’t comforting. my ex-lover’s sweet kisses felt laced with poison. the house felt like a trap, like a repository of things that no longer exist. i felt like being there was killing me. i felt like living there was driving me completely insane.
i wanted a new start. i wanted a shorter commute. i wanted to be on the side of the river where all my friends are moving. i wanted to be away from my old neighborhood, away from my ex and his new lover and the chance that i’d see them on the street. i wanted to be away from my favorite gay bar, because drinking gets me into trouble.
and now i have all that. and i have no idea if i made the right decision, but i have the sneaking suspicion that i didn’t.
the coper in my brain reminds me that this is the pathway to somewhere better. that i never would have left pittsburgh from my old house. i know that my legs are getting stronger every day as i struggle up the giant hill that cuts me off from everywhere i need to be. i know i’ve lived in places far worse.
i know that i am in my saturn return right now, and one of its aspects is: it is very hard to find comfort. so many of your old comforts are taken from you. the point is to make you strong. the point is to make you brave. but, oh, i would like just a little bit of comfort please. i’d like a good hug or a good laugh or even just to sleep through the entire night, please, please, please.