today my sister and i were treated to a really cute moment. an elderly neighbor of mine was outside his house, bending down and saying, “oh! how did YOU get out here?” we thought he was just crazy, but it turned out he was talking to his turtle! i asked if the turtle had escaped and he said, “yes! i’ve had her for eighteen years, now!” he looked overjoyed. i don’t think i can express how sweet it was, but it was really sweet and made us both happy.
i saw a pigeon pecking at the ground the other day and realized it was eating another pigeon that had been flattened by a car. it was really gross & upsetting, moreso than usual when one deals with roadkill and cannibalism.
i had two really healing hugs at the anarchist bookstore (same person, different events.)
i made a huge life decision. everything, everything is changing, and soon(-ish. not really soon enough in my opinion.) it’s kind of too huge to talk about here.
i keep seeing palindromes everywhere, and it FREAKS ME OUT. i am so scared of palindromes. but this made me feel better (warning: it’s long and very woo-woo). short version: they are signs that everything is changing. well, duh. and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, a sign that i am on the right path. i really don’t know though. i’ve been so fucking lost.
be careful what you wish for: i was just re-reading my blog from october 2010, to see what has changed in my life, and i came across this paragraph: but here’s the thing. i know, for a fact, that i am better off alone, even though i love my partner, even though i acknowledge all the ways he’s bettered my life (and the few ways he’s fucked it up, i can acknoweldge those and still, somehow, love) and still miss those days before him, alone in my teal room on a twinsize bed, surrounded by words, living for words and art and activism and love. i miss those days, and i have been trying to relive them, going on adventures by myself, riding my bike long ways alone at night. i almost had an affair this week, with a straight boy (and oh how weird that is, how embarrasssing almost) and it didn’t work out but it made me realize how great it is to be queer, to make our own rules, to be fiercely autonomous and independent always,
i forgot who i was, i forgot for so long, but riding my bike home drunk i thought, it’s a good day to die, it’s a good day to die, not because i want to die but because i want to be brave again. i was brave for so long, and then it was easier not to be, but then i realized that’s not who i am. i’m not meant for safe, for nice, for easy. and oh boy, do i ever not have safe and nice and easy now. and i do live in a teal bedroom! a different one, and on a queen sized bed, and i am surrounded by words and living for words and living, pretty much, because of words. and oh, do i have to be brave, even when i don’t want to, even when i feel like i will absolutely die if i have to be brave for one more second. and even in this time of heartbreak i am very full of love, and it has come out in the strangest and most unexpected ways. so i guess i am living for that, too.
i am writing what may be the most intense zine ever (and, if you read my zines, you know that’s pretty fucking intense). i am also working on my 2nd book. i am thoroughly tired of my 1st book and don’t want to do anything to get it published anymore. i actually kind of hate it. but hopefully that’s just a phase!
i’m too busy for the internet. which is a good thing.
last week i had the thought, one day, i will not have to constantly remind myself that i need to breathe. one day, i will just be able to breathe.