this is the place where time reverses. dead men talk to all the pretty nurses

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so, the director of my job hates me, and randomly forced me to go back to training, for something i already know how to do. this isn’t, in and of itself, a super big deal. it sucks on multiple levels that i won’t bore you with, but sitting in a room for 4 days listening to someone talk about something you already know isn’t the end of the world. except for, it kind of is, because i am in a very bad place mentally right now and sitting in a room with nothing to distract me is so the last thing i need right now. i read. i write letters. mostly i try not to cry. sometimes i succeed and sometimes i have to run out.

i am so scared. i am literally hanging on by a thread. i have never, ever, ever been in such a scary place and i have no idea how to navigate it. never been here after 29 years of living crazy. never been here, even after everything.

today on our 15 minute break i went across the street, to work, and begged my supervisor to let me come back this week. i was fucking begging to do work! and he wouldn’t let me! he seemed like he was going to let me, and then went to talk to director-who-hates-me and she said no, there is no way i can come back this week, i have to sit through the whole fucking thing. i could hear her laughing maliciously in her office. fuck you.

and my supervisor asked if i was okay and i said no and really, really what i wanted to say was, i am going fucking crazy and if i have to sit in this room with my thoughts i think i really will go crazy, i think i will go there and never come back. i know you think that i am just making a big deal about nothing, but this is literally torturous for me right now. but there is nothing in the world, with the way it is currently structured, that will let me say that. there is nothing i can do, besides quit. that’s actually what the other mentally unstable queer person at my job who was bullied into re-training did. i thought he’d just gotten out of it, and i went to look for him, and everyone said, oh, he’s gone,

and how badly do i want to be gone. and how badly do i want to leave. and if i had any kind of financial safety net i would leave, if i did not have a big plan that requires lots of money, if i were not in debt, i would leave. but i can’t do that, i can’t do that, so i read a book under my desk, i circle breathe sitting at my chair. i think, please, please, i need a miracle. i am not a beggar. i am not weak. but i feel like that so much right now. i need something. please, please, please.

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