Monthly Archives: January 2012

what if i’m a romeo in black jeans

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my new friend marta wrote something really amazing and beautiful on their tumblr the other day and i want to share it with all of you. here it is: Think of people when I start to love them more like a big round dinner plate piled six inches high with delicious sauteed spinach, knowing some time in the foreseeable future the plate is going to contain nothing but a little residual olive oil, and the great nourishing food will be nowhere in sight but my belly will be full of something I love so dearly, something to fuel me another day. I think that’s a more fair way to appreciate love in this delicate life form. It’s not fair to expect people to be infinite. I think we should hug each other goodbye after every encounter with acknowledgement that we might not meet again until we’re both out there in the great beyond. I think that would be a lot more fair and a lot more healthy and a lot more honest.

 

tomorrow i am going back to philly. a city that is the source of so much of my strength and so much of my sorrow. going back to visit my chosen family. it’s the anniversary of the death of one of our own. seven years ago. those first few years we got together because–well, i don’t know why they did, but i made the journey to philly because i was still deep in grief and i couldn’t bear to be around anyone who didn’t know on the anniversary. in the past 5 years or so the grief has loosened its grip significantly. now i go back because we’re still here. we’re still alive and it’s good to make a journey across the miles to see people who love you, while we’re all still here.

these people who i have known across the span of years and years. through gritty cold winters and joyous wild danceparties. through hungry times and times with boxes and boxes of overflowing food, more than we could ever eat. through long drunken nights when all we could do to show how we felt was to take the bottle and smash it on the ground, but only when it was empty. people who don’t bail when shit gets hard. people who were my strength for so long, and even though i live far away now, even though my life was very different and i’m not that dirty, hungry, pink-haired 21-year-old anymore, i still go back.

lately i have been doing chakra-cleansing yoga in an attempt to let go of the rage and resentment that fuels my daily life. really, these past few months or so have been some of the calmest months i have ever had. usually i am consumed by anger, eaten alive by anger. anger at the world, at capitalism, at the fucked-up circumstances so many of us fight, at the unfair advantages given to the undeserving. at my family, my ex-friends, whoever i’m mad at at the moment. but for a few months i have been mostly calm, and i think it’s because i have devoted myself to lots of woo-woo spiritual practices. the anger is not gone, just managed better, and seen as part of a much larger picture. and one concept in this woo-woo-ness is that your emotions permeate every cell in your body. the anger takes over every cell. but underneath it all i have so much fucking love for the world, and for the people who mean something to me. and that’s in my cells too. and these people that i am visiting, they straddle the line between love & rage too. they were the first people i knew who blended it. who taught me how to laugh with rage & to fight with love. don’t give up & don’t forget.

i still go to philly the last weekend every january because it’s there. in my cells. nurturing me. and we will never be each others’ daily plates of spinach again. but the nourishment, it’s still there. it won’t be destroyed so easily.

 

on a semi-related note, i’ve been having a hard time sleeping. one thing that always makes me feel better is picking up my hothead paisan collection. sheer genius, i’m tellin’ ya.

 

my life in meals, as of late.

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christmas eve. oyster bay, ny.

first meal of the new year. brabec st.

january 8th, a very good day. bellevue, pa.

 

i haven’t been updating here for lots of reasons, including but not limited to not really having time/internet access. but i think the most compelling reason i haven’t been updating is this team dresch lyric: “some things are probably better kept to myself/but some scared part of me still tells everything, as if that could help.” i have spent most of my life living by the second part of that lyric, but i’m thinking perhaps it’s time to start living by the first. not saying this blog is dead, just saying i’m realizing how maybe it’s not a good idea to have so much personal info about me available online and i’m taking a step back. but i’m still out here. in case you were wondering.