where we go when we don’t go.


on valentine’s day, amanda said, “i have a new way of looking at my mental anxieties. they’re like tentacles. sometimes they hold me tight and sometimes they let me go so i can dance!” but they’re always around, aren’t they? sorry, a, i know that’s not an exact quote. but it was a good one.

on valentine’s day, we were walking down liberty avenue, cold rain pouring down, huddled under an umbrella. i said, “i am cold and rained on but i am so happy. a year ago i was so comfortable i couldn’t have imagined walking this long when the weather’s this shitty. i was so boring. i was so safe.” that’s not an exact quote either. but it’s what i meant to say. amanda looked over at me like she got it. of course she did.

we continued trudging on. the weather was truly miserable. but i was happy. having a good time. feeling like i was living my life. we passed a restaurant full of valentine’s day diners. they all looked so bored & so trapped. cold & wet & scabby & heartbroken & grieving & braininjured & exhausted, outside, i was happier than they looked, i was happier than i was the previous valentine’s day, which was spent in a warm house, where i went home to a boy who loved me. why am i happier now? because my life is all mine now, that’s why.


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