the feeling isn’t fear, it’s just tellin’ you to move


so. as many of you know, i’ve been pondering moving to the bay area once i get laid off from my job. there have been numerous setbacks to this plan, but i think i am really going to just fuckin’ go for it.

last week i was, for the first time, like: “no. maybe i shouldn’t go. maybe i can’t go. i love my job, i love my friends, i enjoy the several cute and charming people i am sort of seeing, i don’t want to have roommates, i don’t want to move all my shit, i love pittsburgh, i can’t go.” but then i found out that my job is pretty much definitely going to be eliminated, so when we get laid off, that’s it. no cushy, well-paid, fulfilling job to come back to. there is a slight chance that i’ll still be able to squeeze in (long, boring story). but it’s nowhere near guaranteed. so.

and then, as i was pedaling up the hill to my house, what appeared to be a gay dude couple, with one trans dude and one cis dude (again, this is all just first impressions), said “hey” to me. one was holding a baby. i was all, “!!! a queer family, on my busted-ass block!’ no way!” i went outside to dump my compost in the woods* but also to say “hey” more thoroughly. they weren’t on the porch, so i was like “whatever” and kept on truckin’. on my way back from the woods, i saw them again, but there was a woman holding another baby with them. they avoided my eyes. they didn’t seem queer at all, any of them. that’s when i realized that pgh really doesn’t have a whole lot of queers making families. the bay area does.

so. i have $ saved up for the first time ever, i’m stagnating, my cute dates are not cute enough to make me stay, nobody in the world is cute enough to make me stay actually because i’m quitting romance along with nate and amanda, i’ve survived my saturn return (hopefully?), and maybe i should go. at work today we learned we’re getting laid off on may 18th, 4 weeks from now. so what is stopping me. that’s still enough time to enjoy my summer on the east coast, get my queer ass out to the bay in time for the sublet that i kinda have lined up on august first.

montreal? toronto? phila? NY? ohiopyle? purple hair? biketrip? PADA? ACLU? memoir? storage space?

why does everyone living in affordable housing on sf bay craigslist seem to own a pitbull? can i really live in a scary, expensive city again? am i cute enough to date people in the bay? will my life actually be any better on another coast? how will i survive without my friends and community? what the fuck am i doing?

but, despite all those question marks, i’m ok. i’ll figure it out. someone once told me, in a writing workshop in college, that i overuse exclamation points. now i am overusing their wriggly cousin. but, it’s ok. one of my favorite clients at work has the same name as a shitty us president. the client has knuckle tattoos that say, “DGAF.” i asked him what it stood for and he whispered, “don’t give a ….F!” in a totally hilarious way. so lately at work i am fond of saying, when things get especially annoying, “just like [crappy president], i DGAF!” it’s always good for a laugh, even if just from me, and it’s sort of true!

*yes, i live in a major urban city, only 2 miles from downtown, and yet there are woods less than 2 minutes’ walk from my door. this is why it’s hard to go.

One response »

  1. i would say do it! you have something tentatively planned, you have some money saved up, you are talking about it and the only thing holding you back is leaving people behind? i just made a decision that wasn’t what i had been planning to do for the last couple months and i feel good about it. who knows. i feel like it’s the time to make a decision in the present and then make the following up decisions afterwards? i was making decision with my fears rather than my wants and needs and i was just full of regret and bad feelings.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s