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it’s summer, no job anymore, so my to-do list looks like: file for unemployment, dye hair purple, hang out at the library during the day with all the other wingnuts. i haven’t gotten to any of these things just yet because i’ve been busy: in the three days of unemployment i’ve read twice, got hickeys from two different people, made some intriguing new friends, had a perfect BFF moment with alyssa where each of us hated our sunglasses and wanted to get rid of them, but they each suited the other perfectly.

my tummy hurts and my intestines are acting a fool. i sat around the house all day drinking nettle tea, which didn’t help, and finally left the house to get some pepto-bismol, which did. i had a cigarette last night, which was bad bad bad! but at the moment it felt very right. drinking beers and talking intensely with a sexy writer dude. we’d read together, and our writing styles are very complimentary–he reads edgy hetero smut and i read sassy queer smut. haven’t met a writer that i really click with in so long. i kind of wanted to go home with him but decided against it; came home to my journal and a sad panicky text from my girlfriend instead. i woke up the next morning, happy to be alone. monday morning; haven’t had one of those in a while.

gotta find a publisher! gotta finish my memoir (which is currently 20,000 words, but i’m trying for at least 40)! gotta think of a title and edit the shit outta that thing. gotta go to the ocean in north carolina  next week with amanda and ben; gotta hold my girl till she can sleep through the night again. gotta stay strong & remember the people who hate me are stupid–not because they hate me but because they are, simply, stupid. it’s just a fact. gotta divide my possessions into what i can give away, what i can take and what i can leave behind temporarily but not jettison completely. gotta figure out how to say goodbye to this place.

at the other reading i did, all the other performers really touched me. something so beautiful about sitting in a living room as two soft-spoken high school twin girls harmonize. and knowing that everyone in the audience loves you, even the people who don’t know you, because they loved what you have to say and how you say it. i know i’m not gonna find that in good olde SF. i’ll find a bigger community of people who like what i do, but nobody who likes it as much. it’s not possible.

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