oh, hi,

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i’ve been pretty disinterested in the internet lately. i’m more into taking long baths to soak the gluestick off my fingertips. that’s how i like life to be. what can i say, i’m an incurable zinester. sitting at a messy desk or table, wearing layers and layers to ward off the chill, cutting tiny bits of text and gluing them on top of an aesthetically pleasing background makes me feel good, as though i am being my truest self.

today i had a job (okay not really a job, an internship, but for somewhere really amazing!!) interview on the phone that went pretty well. i was thinking about it approximately 7 hours later and realized that, when she asked what my strengths are for doing this work, one of them was, “i don’t cry when people yell at me.” realizing how that’s kind of fucked up. but it’s actually my best job skill, i think! it can be used in food service, social work, retail….ok, sometimes i do cry when people yell at me but not too much. honestly, i mentioned it because one common complaint i’ve read from women of color about why they dislike working with white women on political issues is that “white women cry too much.” and i wanted to make it clear that, although i am a white woman and have lots of privilege in this world and may react to things in ways that belie this privilege in an annoying way: i DON’T FUCKING CRY. at least, not in front of people (strangers don’t count). that’s really important to me, it’s been important my whole life.

life has been fun lately but i have a fear of posting good things on the internet. fear that if i talk about them publicly they’ll be taken away. it’s stupid and i know it but that’s how i am. but i am glad that i moved to the bay, glad i have the friends i do, glad i am learning to read tarot, glad that i am learning to live with issues i’ve been struggling with for so long. i am learning patience, and acknowledging the ways other people are patient with me, even when i’m being slow or loud. i have been making a lot of quesadillas and cookies.

oh & on that note i am kind of gaining a lot of weight & i think that’s a good thing. i lost a lot of weight while going through breakup hell last summer/fall and it killed me when people told me how good i looked, when i would have given anything to be happy, with an appetite. i have mainly gained the weight because i do not have a ridiculously steep hill to climb every day. here in oakland, the streets are well-worn and flat. everyone tells me i have no business in the hills, “that’s where the rich people are.” so i stay on the flats and i bike slowly because my brakes suck as always. i write every day even when it brings me to bad places. this writing hasn’t, but a lot of it does.  

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5 responses »

  1. ha. i’m a woman of color who’s worked in abortion clinics with 99% other WOC and we ALWAYS cried. i almost miss my bathroom breaks when i could let loose while a co-worker would put on her make-up and comfort me and it would be no biggie. every day.

  2. i don’t know how to say this without sounding weird but i saw your zines at pegasus and it was really exciting! i hope you do a zine reading there some time. xoxo, your west oakland neighbor

  3. bani, of course i was not saying that i think ladies of color don’t cry! it’s just a common complaint i’ve read, in essays and on tumblr and whatever. more about white girls crying when confronted with racism/criticism trying to take an easy way out. and i wanted to convey that i’m not like that and chose to do so in a weird, possibly kinda fuckedup way.

    and holly, i would love to do a zine reading! anyplace anytime!!

  4. One reason I don’t speak in public is because I am a white crying women. Someday we’ll all be free though! Osh. I’m glad you are gaining weight. I’m glad being gluey is being your truest self. I love you.

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