Monthly Archives: November 2012

thank gawd i found the good in good-bye


yes, the title for this entry is a beyonce lyric, so what? it’s relevant to my life and i have been getting a kick out of her music lately. hi! it’s 3:12 am. i almost passed out at 8pm because i threw my back out while sneezing (which, according to google, happens a lot and is not unusual AT ALL!) and aaryn gave me hella pain pillz. now i am wide awake. there’s a cute warm boy in my bed but i just can’t sleep!

it is a cliche to be thankful on thanksgiving. but. last thanksgiving i spent 8 hours puking alcohol. half my face was swollen, my eye was black, my brain was bruised and my heart was broken. this thanksgiving was wildly different, on another coast and another life. i am so grateful that i survived my saturn return. dear world, you don’t know how close you came to losing me last year. but i guess if i am still alive it’s for a reason.  regardless, i am grateful to still be alive and to be 2,500 miles and one year away from that bile-smelling bathroom.

i got an inspiring letter a few weeks ago from maranda, who has also written a novel. they said they were going to send their book to at least six publishers, and even getting rejection notices would be heartening because it would be some progress (this is a paraphrase and a bad one–sorry). so i was like, “well, shit! i can do that too!” and it’s actually pretty profoundly discouraging. realizing how freakin’ unmarketable my first book is. and also, how many presses that don’t take unsolicited or unagented submissions.

and so i’m starting to think, maybe i just wrote that book for me and my friends. my ex-gf read it and it inspired her to have a really hard conversation with someone who’d haunted her for years. this hard conversation turned good and it lead to the beginning of resolving this issue–something that affected her so much that she cried at least several times per week about it, for years. she called to thank me. i said that it wasn’t me, really, it was all her. but of course i was so fucking happy that something i wrote affected her like that. & that my words were able to do what i could not. sometimes i would hold her while she cried about this issue and it changed nothing. i’m sure it brought her some comfort, but it changed nothing about the situation, and my book (indirectly) did. WOW. i am so fucking proud.

& if i published this book it would just disappear into a gaping hole. the people who read it wouldn’t have my phone number, wouldn’t love me. it probably would not change anyone’s life, not like that. i think some people would enjoy reading it. i suppose i could self-publish but that seems like an awful lot of work & i am completely terrible at publicizing myself. i fear a stack of hundreds of unsold books (yes, i know if i self-published i’d do print-on-demand). but, who knows? and how do so many boring bad books get published? especially in the queer literary world?

i don’t know. this weighs on my mind endlessly, but i will stop now. i am going back east soon and will find out if there’s anything left there for me. i am silly & cold! there are many other things i would like to address on this blog and maybe i will, soon. things like: tattoos, new bodies, small cities, old friends. the fact that people sing while riding their bikes here, unabashedly, and i am one of them. the fact that when i am on 7th street and BART comes rumbling by i can sing just as loudly as i want and it doesn’t even matter. no one can hear me.


oh, there’s too much caffeine in your bloodstream, and a lack of real spice in yr life.


lately the sheen has kinda fallen off my bay area life. i’m kinda stressing about what’s going to happen to me when my money runs out & when i have to leave this cheap sublet. they both should be happening in a few months, probz around the same time. will i ever get a job? will i have to go back to pittsburgh? do i even have a community there anymore? is everything i worked so hard building completely wrecked?

i miss my friends a lot, i miss the community i had, i miss living alone, i miss the autumnal beauty and the tough-yet-sweet people. miss the crumbling charm of both the buildings and the populace. don’t miss the shitty biking, lousy food, ghosts of old memories haunting me. don’t miss the football mania or endless social anxiety.

so, i thought i’d do a photo essay about my life in the bay and point out the things that i do have here and reasons why i should be happy to be here & quit worrying. (NOTE: i am terrified to speak of good fortune on the internet. one of my weird ocd-ish tendencies. but i am trying to face my semi-irrational fears.)

1) palm tree 2) super fall fun adventure vest, found in a trashpile that also had zines, batteries, and cute patches, and makes me look like a badass (according to everyone else–i would never be so bold as to call myself that) 3) free carrots from teresino at the farmer’s market (or the “far mar” as they call it–and they also pointed out that if we were still in pgh the farmer’s market would be wearing down by now) 4) shortsleeves in late october! whoa!

5) i made these delicious vegan cupcakes for my housemates 6) who really appreciated them 7) and said thank you 8) zarah gave me these cute pirate flags and i have been sticking them in as many food items as possible

9) soy milk readily available at the diner 10) sweetheart smiling dreamily across the table 11) wearing an adorable hoodie 12) whoever dispensed the soymilk obviously has the same ridiculous sense of humor that i do (the next table’s soy creamer said “soy george”)

13) who are these people? where can i meet them? 14) paper flyers in an age of facebook, yeah!

this isn’t any real reason to stay. this is just me, at the diner. i had eaten a few bites from these giant onion rings until i realized that it looked like a C and the other one looks like an O and my initials are “OC” so i made a french fry arrow and pointed it towards myself. yeah, these onion rings are a little classier than those available at most places but i guess i can do that anywhere.

other things to consider:

a) i am endlessly nostalgic for bad times in my life

b) even when i know that they’re bad times

c) a., who has a disease that will eventually kill him, says, “oh ocean, why worry? either it’s going to happen or it’s not! you can’t do anything about it!” which i both agree with and don’t.

d) i will always long intensely for what i don’t have and what no longer exists