lately i have been thinking about time, specifically non-linear time, in a way that might seem crazy to some. i read this thing that i really liked in the book “quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking”. it was towards the end, where this guy was talking about how he’d been a very shy, persecuted child, and how he always had this feeling that things were going to be okay once he grew up, and how that got him through. he did grow up to have a really good job & interesting life, and he said that sometimes, he would look around and feel so happy and proud of what he’d built for himself, and he would send out a little signal with his brain to the 9-year-old version of himself that said, “hey, you’ll get through this. hang in there.” and he thinks that that’s where the feeling came from, that when he was a child he was receiving transmissions from his future self, and he feels time loop in & touch itself in these moments, and it amazes him. i can relate to this so strongly. i know it sounds crazy.
i had an odd moment like that yesterday. i was at the co-op grocery in SF. many years ago, i wrote a blog post about being bored at work, letting my mind wander, and imagining what kind of person i would be if i got knuckle tattoos that said “FIST FUCK”. i thought of myself as a tough butch top, living in SF and riding a motorcycle. and then yesterday, i was in SF, tired and happy from my first day at work, buying my groceries, when i noticed that the cashier of the line i was standing in had knuckle tattoos. their right hand said “FIST.” i started getting excited. their hands were moving quickly, so it was hard to read them. their left hand, it kept moving, i saw an F, a U…i thought about that lonely desk, in 2010, a whole different life ago even though it was only 3 years. was i getting a transmission from this moment, from this unlikely bay area life path? their hand paused for a moment and i could read what it said. FULL. ah, dang. well, pretty close!
“i like your knuckle tats!” i said. they smiled really big and said thanks. i thought about telling them the story above, but decided against it. it seemed too weird somehow. but we chatted and then i stepped out into the warmth. a song about warm weather and being ok shuffled onto my ipod, a song that i’d listened to throughout the depths of saturn return hell in fall 2011, a song that i listened to, that felt important, although i couldn’t understand why at the time.