i stay up the latest. i have had several radical changes of heart. i told her, in a moment of desperation, how i continued to live, how i get out of bed every morning. i have been blindsided several times today–once by a song shuffling on my ipod, one that i haven’t heard in almost a year, one that i put back on after deleting it because i thought that i could handle it by now–and once by something i don’t want to mention here.
i am just trying to live my life. i almost took an ativan but didn’t. i have revelations every day. i had the worst thing happen with my memoir. i felt grief, real grief, for this book. i felt sad because nobody knew what to say, even though i didn’t expect them to, because it’s SUCH a strange situation. i thought it was over; but it’s not, it’s not over, and the author of one of my favorite books is the one who told me so.
i miss pittsburgh but i can’t imagine living there again. i lose every home i love in painful ways; it’s just the truth of my life. just the cross i have to bear. i saw a psychic for free on valencia street who told me that i shoot doves from my heart, and they touch other people, that i assumed a human form because i wanted to be able to receive love as well as give it.
i have witnessed a lot of pain lately.
i am thinking of doing something i swore i’d never do (grad school!). i stopped by that bookstore because i knew there’d be a zine in there that was powerful enough to change my life. i was right. i don’t know if i want to cover up my scars with a tattoo anymore because several people said that my scars make them feel safe, because they can tell that i’ve been through something too.
i don’t know if very many people read this blog anymore. i don’t know where i’m going, or what i’m doing. i fixed my bike chain by myself and it made me so fucking proud. i am mending bridges, healing old wounds, and learning so much.