against the wind.

Standard

remember the last super moon? everything was so different then, a weekend full of riotous love and living super hard. living, living, living. it’s 1:30 am and i am vaguely drunk. spent hours after work walking up and down steep hillz, looking for a super moon dance party in the park, but i missed it due to not really knowing where i was going. it could have been magical, but i missed it. i had my own magic, sort of, on that long holy climb up, with good music a-playing and gorgeous houses all around me. made me nostalgic, a sad happy.

all of my tarot card readings as of late have similar cards coming up–most frequently, for those of you who care: the world, the moon, and queen of pentacles/artist of bones. sometimes right-side-up, sometimes reversed. the world is usually reversed, which is bad. queen of pentacles is good right-side-up but i often get it upside down. both the queen & the world reversed mean that things are slipping away from me. that i’m not going to be able to save them. i get a lot of mental illness cards too. (the moon, ten of feathers/swords) this could be just because of the paid work i do, or it could be because….i am mentally ill. and not doing too well. i have been on-and-off hysterical these past few dayz. been triggered majorly and nobody out here understands. i know that i will cope, know that i will feel different, know that things will change. but it often doesn’t feel that way.

i am glad that i wrote my last post, as it seems to have resonated with strangers on the internet. nervous that friends will read it and think that i am being passive-aggressive. this isn’t my intent; i just seriously have no idea how to bring it up. just saw a picture on facebook of a good friend of mine chatting casually with my abuser and i took it like an arrow to the heart. but i guess here isn’t the place to process it.

i read something here that i thought was really validating. it’s a piece calling out joe biel, founder of microcosm publishing & incredibly manipulative, emotionally abusive person (who i have not liked/supported for many years now, although that’s another story). :

“I’d been in relationships where the person used public shaming, threats of violence against me and my loved ones, physical abuse, and openly ridiculed and insulted me. For me, the experiences Joe has put me through have been far worse. It was so much easier for me to process a person becoming violent. Easier to acknowledge to myself, “yes, obviously this is abuse. No one deserves to be treated like this.” So much easier to see the red flags and to get out.  Joe is so subtle. He pours on the charm while totally fucking you over.”

and, oh, i have nothing else to say in this public forum besides that i understand. and how i wish i didn’t.

also, i saw this image on my friend maranda’s
page. they took it in toronto and i really hope that they don’t mind me borrowing it, but i took it as an answer, a sign from the universe, something running with the theme of my last post:

marandaelizabethyouareenoughgraffiti

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